Rip the bandaid off

So its finally going to end. All the drama and any bit of sadness that was residual of my long, lovely, failed relationship, is going to end, today. We're meeting for the last time and going to get it over with. Cut off the last straw holding us together.

Im trying to understand what I'm feeling... But I can't. Scared, maybe, that I'll miss him more than I'd like? Or upset that I can't talk to him? Or nothing because I actually have moved on?

I don't think knowing what I'm going to feel will make it any better/easier to deal with. Maybe I should just stop thinking and rip the bandaid off quickly. It'll hurt for a few seconds, but then the pain will disappear. I hope these few seconds don't last too long. Part of me is sick of being upset and wondering, now what?

Is it better to know that its the last time, or is it better to have finished the last time and then realize it was your last time? Forget it, lets rip this off quickly.

Moving On

So there's a difference now, from before. Im certain of it. The wanting, the need to see him and talk to him is going. Its still there, but I guess it will always be, a little bit.

The last time we met it was after a gap of two months. Two months of not seeing his beautiful face was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. But then we met, and it was so normal. While we got back into relationship mode for a while, the entire time it was different in my head. Every time I looked at him I didn't feel any pain or sorrow that he wasn't going to be mine forever. When we were were together I didn't fear that it would come to an end and I would be shattered. I guess that's what moving on is, right?

He's been with someone else already. When I heard, I decided to adopt the Buddhist philosophy and observe what I felt instead of actually feeling it. I decided I had a choice: I could get really upset and angry that something like this has happened, feel really betrayed and disillusioned...and eventually have to be okay with it, because it was done already. OR I could accept that he isn't mine anymore and that he didn't belong to me! I chose the second, and surprisingly found that life was much better like that. I didn't feel any heaviness at the back of my mind relating to something that usually would have broken me. I was happy and proud of myself.

Although the day after the meeting was terrible and whiney and just a nightmare in general, I found that getting back to being "okay" was easier this time round. I was okay in 2 days, and somewhere in between the week I actually woke up not craving him, or to be with him or talk to him at all. I thought "Yay! Its over!"... Well, it wasn't, but that was a huge step forward!

I guess the missing will always remain due to the fondness. There were so many things about him that I was in love with that I chose to ignore the things that weren't compatible. I find that reminding myself of the times when I was with him and questioned our compatibility reminds me that I'm putting the relationship on a pedestal because I dont have it anymore. But I cannot deny that it was beautiful. The state of being in love is by far the most intoxicating drug in the world. It takes over your life and fills it with pure happiness, so much so that you don't even realize that your life isn't what it used to be anymore. Sometimes this is for better and sometimes for worse. For us, while I'm tempted to say it was both, it was actually only for worse. Our lives revolved around one another, and even when we met recently, it was a stark reminder of how we were perfectly comfortable telling everyone and everything in our lives to go to hell, and just live off of each other. It was toxic, but in the best way. Its like a drug. You love it, you know its bad for you but you dont really want to accept it. And while you're doing it, its bliss. Thats how we are. How we were.

Maturity is realizing when its time to move to a new thing, or let go of something in the past.

I will always miss the intoxicating feeling that I felt while I was in love. But I will also remember that it was a phase, and now... its time to move on. 

Understanding death

Our entire life culminates at death. It comes to death, and stops, or finishes. We don't really know what happens to us after death, even though there are countless theories - some in the form of religion, some spiritual and others simple philosophy. When we think about how much we know - or rather how little we know - it dawns that each one of us individually don't form even a speck in the history of time. 

We know that one day we're going to die from the second we can grasp the concept of life. Immortality is a concept that exists only within the limits of the word itself. So, we know that life is limited, we know that we're going to die, and we know that this in inevitable and will happen to each and every person we know, without fail. And yet we manage to get so upset about death, and live in the shadows of the fear of what we know is going to happen. 

One way of looking at it is that, its only natural. Losing a person who you once loved, cherished and shared so many beautiful memories with is painful. We are individuals with emotion, we're bound to feel pain. But we're also individuals with the power of reason. That's essentially the only thing that humans can boast of possessing over all other living beings. Then how does the pain of experiencing something that you know is inevitable cause emotions to overshadow our reasoning powers to the extent where no explanation is good enough to overcome the agony?

If you think about it practically, no one else can really cause you any pain or happiness. It's your understanding and response to another's actions or words that has the ability to cause pain or happiness. Consider this: A younger brother tells both his older sisters (separately) that they are fat. One takes offence and locks herself in her room and cries, while the other takes no heed and moves on. The comment was the same, but the reactions depended on the other person. The same way, a boy could tell 2 different girls that she looked like an angel; while one would be flattered and blushing, the other might think of it as cheesy and decide to stay away. It all eventually boils down to the filters we use when we perceive the world. Each person has a different lens on their eyes depending on every single experience or idea they have had (which, in the larger scheme of things, amounts to nothing). Yet, experiencing death of a loved one manages to put almost all humans in the same boat. A boat filled with worry, denial, confusion, wonder, anger, pain and most importantly, fear. 

Some feel the fear of realizing that their time too is limited. Although this sounds simple, it has the ability to really shake up your reality. While as a concept, death is grasped by us mentally at a young age, the first encounter in reality with the same makes us view the world with a new lens of impermanence and, in some cases, disillusionment. 

I started writing this with the idea that, the way I view the world today, I feel death will not have as much as an impact on me as before. Once the acceptance sets in that everyone is going to leave one day, no matter how good, bad, rich, smart, dumb, kind, bitchy, ugly or pretty they are, you start to realize that its time to look at the bigger picture. The motivation to actually serve a purpose in this lifetime arises. The life I live probably wont be spoken about 18000 years later. No one then will remember my name or who I was, or even know of my existence. But what I can do is something that I feel is worthwhile. Its not about what other people think or say or expect. Its about feeling a personal sense of achievement when the day comes to go. Knowing that this world may not remember you, but you made the most of it anyway. Because at the end of the day, everyone goes... I want to go happy. 

The Concept of Letting Go

This is taken from daily emails that I receive - Positive Reflections by Brahmakumaris. They're wonderful insights into life.

The Concept of Letting Go

We have to dare to be free. Why? Because fear prevents us from taking the decisions that lead us to live and feel our full freedom. We should dare to let go because dependencies trap us. Let us look at a story that shows us what happens.

It is the story of a bird that, after having flown for a long time, leans on the branch of a tree to rest. While resting, it finds the wellbeing of staying there until, little by little, it gets the idea that its life is on the branch. When a day arrives on which it asks itself why it doesn't carry on flying, it says "Oh, this branch is stuck to me and I can't fly!" The bird blames the branch. In reality, the bird has got stuck to the branch. It has the capacity and the wings to fly but its perception is clouded. It no longer sees its purpose with clarity or its potential to reach it. The freedom of the bird is in its wings but it has got stuck onto the branch. That is the reality that it has created for itself.

The freedom of a human being is in his or her awareness. But when their awareness has got stuck onto the branch (the object of their attachment) and they begin to blame the branch for their impossibility to free themselves, then they are trapped. When our awareness is clouded and we are clinging on, we do not see with clarity and neither do we exercise our freedom and let go.

Another example of how dependencies trap us, is that of the monkey; you can trap a monkey by giving it a jar with peanuts in it. The monkey puts its hand in the jar to get the peanuts. On having its hand full of peanuts it can't get it out of the jar, so it has got trapped. To free itself the only thing it has to do is let go of the peanuts and that way it will be able to take its hand out. That is how we are at times; we don't let go and we stay trapped in situations, in people, in the past.

Along the way, we will find a lot of jars with peanuts in and branches to settle down on - many scenes that will attract us and please us. The dependency begins, almost without our realizing, when we begin to feel the desire to be in these situations. The pleasure turns into desire, the desire turns into need and the need turns into habit, then to dependence and finally into an addiction. It is fine to enjoy the branches, but let us keep awake and alert - conscious of our freedom - in order not to fall into dependence; enjoying the branch or jar without it trapping us.

An example of how the pleasure turns into desire, the desire into need, the need into habit, habit into dependence and finally the dependence into an addiction - process (explained yesterday) takes place can be seen in some smokers. The smoker, little by little, liked smoking, then desired to smoke, then needed to smoke; he/she created the habit of smoking, it turned into a dependence and finally into an addiction. It began because he liked it but it ended up generating that addiction.

We live disconnected from ourselves, with a lot of unnecessary dependencies and needs. When you think that you need to smoke, you believe something that is not true. What does it mean that you need to smoke? Negative effects of smoking on the body are well known; we already breathe in enough pollution from cars and we do not need to breath in more unnecessary smoke. However, the person who smokes believes that it is a need and, while they believe it, they don't realize, or if they do realize, they don't want to accept that it is an unnecessary dependence.

This process can happen in many other cases: emotional, mental and physical dependencies and addictions towards people, objects and ideas. When we are hooked we lose emotional, mental and intellectual control over our inner selves and in our awareness. The solution is in knowing how to let go.


If only letting go were that simple. But if we don't try, we'll never know, right?

Awakening?

I feel like I've been hit by a rock. Like I have been blind and utterly stupid and suddenly one person has  said things that have made me see what I have been ignoring, minimalizing in my head. To be fair, I really didn't know any other way of coping with this. After my fairytale romance ended I did everything in my power to rationalize it, to think "This would never have worked, what was I thinking?" Talking to anybody who would listen to a love story about me and an anonymous perfect man who had strong religious values that kept us from being together. I felt like an advice junkie. I felt like somewhere amidst all that advice I would find the answers to all my questions. That something someone would say would go "TING!!!!" in my head and make me okay with everything that is going on.

If only that worked. If only it had helped. All it did was take me further and further away from the truth. How could ANYONE who didn't know us even try and make a comment about us? US! I can go on for hours about us, but that wont help anything. You had to know us, see us together, talking, laughing, loving, to even begin to understand what we were. Or... what we are?

And then suddenly today morning I got struck by lightning. I heard his side of things, in detail like never before. He opened of every part of his heart and displayed it in an email. And now its all so clear. I was being a selfish, self-centered snob who wouldn't look away from her own pain, because I had been adviced that now I must look out for myself; that he had left me, and I had to take care of myself and cut him out.

Oh, the bullshit advice.

That is what has changed. The above mentioned person who is selfish and self-centered is not me. It never has been. I was trying to be someone I am not in the hope that it would help me move on from this. But all it has done is make me pathetic and bitter and angry and hopeless... Not to mention incredibly stupid. How did I ever think I could turn my head away from the man I loved so much, that even despite my commitment phobia, I wanted to marry? All I have been thinking about is that.
"He left me."
"He is confused about me. I deserve better."
"Its over, forget about it."
"Don't beat yourself up over someone who wouldn't even fight for you."
"ITS ALL HIS FAULT."

And in this dirty thought process I conveniently forgot all about the basis of my major: empathy. I forgot to ask myself, "what must he be going through? Why is he doing this?"


But now I know. I know and I respect it more than anything. You professing your love for me was the most beautiful thing I have ever read, and telling me about your confusion, the most painful.

Wishful thinking: Lets rewind, go back to when we broke up, and I will be different, less blind. I will care, caress and understand.

How could I have asked you to go against your mother, father, relatives, cousins, everyone who has known you in a certain way for 24 years? Our parents raise us with so many hopes and expectations of what our life will be like. And while some prefer to let us take our destiny into our own hands, others like to be in control of our destiny, to make sure that we don't screw up, and ensure that we will be happy, one way or another. I asked you to go against all of that. I asked for too much.

But that's the problem. It will always be too much I'm asking for. And it will always be too much you're asking from me. I never see a day coming where talking to your parents will be easy. Or where me making sacrifices will be do-able. Unfortunately the world where we live doesn't change. It stays the same, year after year, decade after decade. For me, I was most upset that you didn't believe in us enough to fight for us. But when I see what is at stake for you, I feel guilty for ever even asking you to give it up.

So, I can't blame me. I can't blame him. I cant blame anyone's family. Where does that leave me? After any kind of pain, an individual needs someone to criticize, to yell at, to let their frustration out. Who do I criticize? Who do I yell at? When I think of yelling at God, I think, but He has a plan for me... This must be part of it.

That leaves me just hurting and brooding like a sob story, yet again. Having no one to turn to and blame. But... Maybe that is what this experience is meant to teach me? That we won't always have people to blame in life. Sometimes, we have to just accept things as they are, and believe, with equanimity, that it will pass. 

Dreams and Insecurities

I've been wanting to post for a while now, recreating my Argentinian exchange experience. But somehow, even though I find multiple interesting cultural differences daily, I couldn't get myself to write about anything, until now.

This really has nothing to do with Argentina. Or... maybe it does. Its possible that Im writing this to find out myself. 

Last night while I was dreaming I could feel myself crying inside of my dream. It was an emotion I have felt before in my waking state but at a highly premature level. Insecurities stemming from parental discord. The feeling that they think I'm not good enough, that they will support anyone or anything that is placed against me, that they just don't GET IT. But in this dream... In this dream it was these emotions heightened to feel suicidal tendencies. All I remember was in our new house, there was a party and I was trying my hardest to avoid making eye contact with my parents. I tried to stay as far away from them as possible. And when they would manage to get near I would feel a whirlwind of negative emotions stirring up inside of me, making me grit my teeth and abuse them.

But no, that wasn't enough to make me write this. Having had disturbed sleep, I decided to take a short siesta. It was like last night all over again, only this time more vivid. The corridors looked like my school, and inside one of the rooms was a meeting going on with my father, his colleagues, me and an old driver that I profusely dislike, who was sitting on a chair next to me. I remember him saying he needed to tell my father something, and I remember forgetting about that. After I was done saying what I had to, I asked the driver to move his hand and get up up from where he was sitting because he was bothering me. Why did his hand resting on the side of my chair bother me so much? I don't know, but I flipped it and told him to leave. He then got aggressive and said but why should I leave, I haven't told saahab my problem yet! He wanted Rs. 15 to buy his daughter a gift. Rs. 15? Who today needs Rs. 15 for anything? What do you even get in that much? Again, I don't know, but that was bad enough to make me feel guilty and apologize to him. And then it started. My father's rant. That I don't care about anyone. I had finished voicing my problems, but that gave me no right to shut him up. And then the all famous punch line: How would I ever be a psychologist when I get so worked up about small things? 

That is it. That's what it was about. None of these incidents mentioned above have actually occurred besides him saying that last line to me. It must have really affected me if I made up a dream around it, proving him right. 

I remember telling him that I had apologized, and his friends/colleagues backing me up. Then I remember storming out of that room and him following me, only to hear me tell him to "Fuck Off". And then I ran for my life. I don't tell my father to fuck off without bad, bad consequences. Not in reality, and apparently not in my dreams either. I ran down the corridor and down the school steps. And then I stopped. And I decided I wanted to hurt myself. Was it for attention? Was it to punish myself? I don't know, but I started rolling down the stairs. And I felt pain. Real, physical pain on my arms and legs and back and head. And then a little girl who was walking down the steps saw me and decided she wanted to roll as well. So she leapt on to my back and got hurt with me for a while. Until a teacher I had never seen before stopped us, smiling, and said it was time to read. 

Cut to me in my bathroom. I was smoking. And then I open the window and step out on to this huge balcony, one that I have seen many times before in my dreams, but doesn't really exist at all. I don't quite remember what I was thinking when I saw one of my maids walk in from another entrance of the balcony (my grandmom's bathroom window). She walks towards me and I quickly hide the smoke. Enter maid number 2, wearing my diamond earrings that I took off last night (in reality) and put into my accessory bag. While Maid 1 was questioning me cheekily on what I was doing, I called Maid 2 closer. This is a maid who, in reality, I absolutely adore as she is only 17. So I call her close and I hold her cheek with one hand, and when I have gripped it tightly, I slap her. She tries to move away, but she is not scared. She and Maid 1 are laughing. I am furious. I run to some room that I have not seen before, yet it looks familiar. My mom and grandmom are chatting as usual. I tell them about this incident, expecting outrage from them too. But what do I get? My mom telling me to take it easy, and that it was not a big deal. WHAT?! Not a big deal?! I almost had a spaz attack. I called her names and asked her to wait till Maid 2 wore her diamond earrings.

I don't think I could handle anymore, so I woke up and burst out crying. 

I'm really far away from home and the last few conversations my mom had with me were to do with how she and my dad didn't want to send me abroad because they were wondering "if I was really worth it?" I had wasted enough money, I didn't seem to be interested in studies, what was the point in spending crores more, blah blah blah. My father is so goddamn rich that if he and my entire family were no more, my sister and I would be able to support ourselves and another generation extremely comfortably without a single day of work. And he is saying he doesn't want to pay for my education? That's funny, right? Makes me feel like I'm worth so little. Even my parents don't have faith in me. I sound like a sob story. A self-fucking-pitying sob story. But you know what, maybe I am one.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years, who I was willing to change my entire being of existence for and marry, was "confused" about me, and left. My parents who raised me to be the person I am today, the person who I was going to change for my boyfriend, don't have faith in me, not even enough to send me to study a subject I am certain of. I mean really, can I please have my moment of self-pity before I slap myself and realize that it's all my doing? Thanks.

Okay. I'm done. I should never have been willing to change myself for someone else. I should not allow anyone else to define who I am or what I am worth.... BLAH BLAH BLAH. Unfortunately the two biggest parts of my life doubted me at the same time and made me doubt myself. 

No more self-pity. No more stress. No more allowing other people to define me. I AM ME. And I will be who I want to be, and if anyone has a problem with that they can go Fuck Off. 

The only problem is... Who Am I, again?

Love is not enough.

I just messaged him. Oh why why why did I do that? Its so STUPID. I am the one who decided that we would not speak for 2 months. I was the one who chose this. He broke up, I decided I needed time to get over him. THEN WHY DID I JUST INBOX HIM?

How can there be a rationale for these things? I keep crying in the bathroom at work, wondering what the hell I'm crying about! We've decided to be friends 2 months later. Maybe that's just it. Friends. How do 2 passionate lovers let go of their feelings and have a platonic friendship? Maybe that is what is killing me inside. That I can't hold his hand, hug him, kiss him and love him whenever I feel like. We'll have boundaries. Its like the marriage issue. Going from a free, open-minded household to a closed-minded one is just too hard. The same way, going from having no limits in the relationship for loving and being loved, to having boundaries defining what we can and cannot say around each other. HOW CAN THAT NOT MAKE ME CRY?!

Im such a whiner. I hate it. I hate being so vulnerable, so sensitive. One wrong thing anyone says to me today and it could be the start of a flood originating from my eyes. I want to go home and bawl my eyes out. I want to weep loudly and scream and yell and let a little of the pain out. I feel like my heart has been hit with a hammer, and it has been dented and bruised and broken.

They say time is the best healer. What about the pain BEFORE time swoops in and makes everything hunky-dory again? What about me till then? Im supposed to sit and wait for time to make my heart stop acutely aching and my tears unlimitedly flowing? I cannot rationalize this. I cannot find the correct means to rationalize this.

I can tell myself how Im better off without him, that I was restricted in many ways. But then again, I cannot. Saying anything about how Im better off without him seems like insulting him, insulting our relationship. How can anyone be better off without love like that? Love that is all-consuming and immersing. I want to be in love like that forever. I want to love him forever. I want to be loved by him forever.

"Love is not enough." This is what he said. Why is it that if he says it then I will mull over it, but if I have thought it then I will keep doubting it? I guess thats what he's doing too. He made the decision and he rethinks it, over and over again. How can you make a decision like that and live with it without any doubt? Its not possible.

So then I guess, I will doubt, I will cry, I will be angry, I will be sad, I will question, wonder and criticize. And eventually, in about a year, I will accept. I will see clearly. I will know. Why it happened, the reasons and the consequences. I hope I never regret accepting his decision instead of fighting. But how can a relationship work like that? When one person says yes and the other says no? It cannot. Thats why I let go. I gave him what he wanted.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. If they dont, they never were." He may think of me as the bird he is setting free. But I am setting him free too. We are both letting go of each other to see where life will take us sans each other. And if life doesn't bring us back together (IF JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT IS SO HARD, how will I live the reality?).... It doesn't mean he wasn't mine and I wasn't his. It just means that the world didn't allow us to be each other's forever.

I want you to know, my love, that if I don't come back, do not mistake it with thinking that I was never yours. I was, and there will always be a part of me, even after years, that will always belong to you, and that will always love you.

Religion v/s Philosophy v/s Love

Wow, it really has been forever. I actually thought I may never come back on to this site and write... Maybe come back and read what I was mulling over 2 years ago. But here I am, down in the dumps, finding myself typing on this site this as a potential way to feel better and be able to smile without it taking all of my effort and energy left.

Another year, another break up. Sounds so boring. So depressing. So OVERDONE. People break up everyday... just get over it, right? Wrong. Every single breakup is the end of some sort of a relationship. If the relationship was abusive and detrimental to either person's health, then good riddance. But what if it exceeded the expectations of your idea of a fairytale relationship? It was so good, that you are willing to do change you'd never have expected yourself to change. Things like yourself.

We are all brought up with a certain set of ideas, belief systems and values. Moving beyond the nature v nurture debate, and simplifying the core of our being entirely, we can say that it is these values that ultimately define who we are. Whether they come from our genes or our environment, it makes you You, and me Me. You might believe that the whole world is created by God, humans came from Adam and Eve, evolution is bullshit, and your religion is the only one that sends people to heaven. And I might not care about religion, believe strongly in evolution, respect other religions simply because there are other people out there who follow it with such fervor, and that deserves respect. That would mean, but very plainly, that we are opposites right? Believe it or not, two people believing in the exact same belief systems as mentioned above, fell madly in love, and lost themselves in a world of their own. But, how is that even possible? How do two so drastically different individuals manage to find a place in their heart to love another that disbelieves everything you've grown up with?

It all began because the love stemmed from an appreciation of the outer human being, their qualities and  their demeanor. When they first met, they didn't realize how different they were. And after a month of togetherness, the differences ceased to make an impact on them. Anything that came their way, they were willing to deal with. Because they meant too much to each other. How would they find anyone else to be like this with? To love this much?

The problem is, with the core being different, the outer qualities cease to matter. See, the two are so confusable. Our core values define what kind of people we become, if we are kind, caring, chivalrous, loving, romantic, etc. But two people who possess all the same qualities could have acquired them through completely different belief systems. You could be kind and charitable because it is a product of your religious upbringing, and I could be the same because it is a product of my having learnt to question the reason for being cruel and immoral. You and I have, in this case,  come from different schools of thought. You come from a religious background, and I come from a philosophical background. I could try and consider your viewpoint, but the base of your beliefs is blind acceptance. It is what you have been taught since before you were born. And the very basis of my existence is questioning and reasoning, I do not know what it is like to accept without question.

It all boils down to the same thing. Religion managed to come in the way of two perfectly happy people having the best time of their lives together. Philosophy did too. Why can't just love be enough?

An overnight change?

A beautiful, healthy, strong and loving relationship. Where two people are so engrossed in each other that losing sight of everything and everyone else becomes not only a possibility, but also a reality. A reality that they live for one year. They prioritize each other over everything and everybody else. They lose friends, they miss important appointments, but at the end of the day, they have each other. They fight, yes, but the love and affection gets them through it.

And one day its over. She decides it and he has no option but to agree.
Unfair? You bet.
Practical? She thought so.
Difficult? More than anything she had ever done.
But it was done. She hoped and prayed he'd stay in her life, the same old "I want to be friends" sob story. But ofcourse, she made the decision to be apart, he made the decision to break away.




This is not a new story. Its an age old saga that continues to plague the lives of young men and women today. I've heard the story, many, many times. But its always a different experience when it happens to US, no? Then its not a story anymore, then its a reality you have to live with everyday. And live with it I can. But what I dont understand is the immaturity. The un-required display of anger. The harshness and the brutality. The crudeness of the hatred. Where does the hatred come from? After 380 days of love, how can hatred instantly overshadow the affection? I'm thinking the anger transforms the love into hate. WIthout love, there is no hate, is there? There cannot be. Or is this just my naivety? Am I drawing this conclusion to console myself, to reassure myself that the love was not superficial and it was not shallow. Because if that love and that affection was not real, then how can anything else be expected to last?

Every relationship is different. [side note: I tend to start all my paragraphs with cliches.] Absolutely it is! Every human being is different and every person is unique, which is another way of saying that nobody is... But anyway! Every relationship is supposed to enrich our lives and teach us something new and prepare us for..... blah blah blaaaahagfiuadhfcaushvidfsj. THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW WHICH IS THE RIGHT ONE? When you're in it every goddamned relationship seems to be THE ONE. Every boy seems to be THE ONE. And then it all comes crashing down and you pick up the pieces and start over.... Just so that it can all come crashing down again.

I feel hopeless. I feel angry. I feel like I want to hit something. I feel sad. And I cannot but help the tears I'm trying really hard to push back. There's a part of me saying I'm not the only one, that there are millions of people out there feeling the way I feel. And then there's another part of me that says there must be something wrong with JUST ME. That I'm self-destructive. That I wont let myself be happy. That I push away a good thing when I see it because I'm absolutely mental. That even though I have the best thing in hand right now, I will search for a reason to be upset because too much happiness can never be a good thing, right?

F**k this, I'm going to study.

Because its only human nature~

Yesterday I had a fight with someone who is extremely important in my life. They had said something that I never thought they would even think. Quoting "you don't care about me, and its obvious I love you more because its so damn easy for you to hurt me." After giving months and months to this one relationship in my life, I decided I was going to move on. How dare I be accused of something like this? All I have done is cared and loved and given my time and attention; and then I'm accused of the exact opposite?

I put my phone off and started watching Vampire Diaries (its a great distraction, I thought. Turns out Stefan and Elaina would never let me forget my fight for even a second). 2 hours later, when I put it back on, within 3 seconds I got their bbms, 4 of their PIN messages and 3 emails. Within 5 seconds, they were calling. How the hell did they even know my phone was on!? Had they been checking their phone to see the "D" sign on bbm every 1 minute FOR TWO HOURS!? Cute. But I was still angry. I cut 4 calls, and put the phone back off.

I put it back on before sleeping, and the same procedure repeated itself. Except this time I had read the previous mails and PIN's and seen how terrible they felt about saying that. So I picked up. The direction of the conversation and how it started is irrelevant, what is important is one thing this person said in it - "I have been thinking about this intensely for the past hour and I've thanked you a million times for caring so much and loving me like this, I cant believe I said those things to you today which are the exact opposite, I'm sorry. Please, please forgive me."

And then it struck me. The epiphany which has converted into this post. Why was I upset for 3 hours and planing on ending the relationship? This person, my boyfriend, if you haven't figured it out already, is right! He's thanked me a million times for all the little things that other people on the world would never notice. Have I been ecstatic about that for hours on end? No. I smile, get happy for a few minutes, and move on. And he's thanked me a million times! Then why was I holding on to this one time where he had said the exact opposite? Why wasnt I thinking of the other 1 million when he had complimented me or appreciated me for being ME?

I instantly forgot about the fight. There was no forgiving to do, because he was hardly in the wrong. Maybe he slipped up once, but hey, to err once is only human. And I almost started beating myself up over even THINKING of letting go of something that had made my life so wonderful, and made me so happy in the past months... But then I remembered, hey, to err once is only human. :)

FTS. FML.

Its just this feeling, you know. Like everything is just going to be this way forever. Not self pity (as some self-absorbed people would think), but just.... Fear, I guess.

My best friend has cancer. He is on life support right now, fighting for his life. I am a 1000 miles away feeling astounded, helpless, and depressed beyond any normal realms of sadness. I go to the passport office to check why the fuck they wont give me my passport so I can go see the guy who means the world to me, and I meet a really cute guy. Im hitting it off with someone I actually find attractive after really long. I guess my luck with boys up until now has sucked. They like me, I dont like them. I like them, they start liking me, I stop liking them. Utterly irritating. So, I meet really cute guy, and there's this vibe... Just a really good vibe between us. Not awkward sexual tension or discomfort or anything... Just a nice vibe. A really decent guy from a good background and just so darn cute. So we part on the terms that we'll definitely meet up, maybe even later this evening. And then I text him, and he replies, and I reply, and he stops. The next day he tells me to call him, we talk, decide to meet, and he stops replying again.

The reason, actually, I dont want to date, is because I cant go through the whole process. Meeting a new person, flirting a bit, getting to know them, going out for the first time, awkward silences, the waiting for replies (ahem ahem), the "ask out", and then finally you're in a relationship. And bloody after ALL that, there's no guarantee that it'll even work! WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT, EXACTLY?

I think Im going off on a rant because Im chumming, and on top of that Im nervous about my best friend who's in a coma 24/7. And on top of that waiting for a person to reply is just not something I can deal with. Ofcourse, this is not counting the fact that a girl I thought was my "one person" never understood me, and isn't there for me at a time like this.

Just look at me! Complaining and cribbing. Life is good. I have everything most people want. So, next post = all the great things in life. Number one, though, would be friends, and 1st in that friend list, would come my friend who's fighting for his life. How, again, is life good?

25 things about me

It was a note on facebook which I stumbled across. I'd written it ages ago, but most of the things are still so relevant.

1. I LOVE dancing. I live to dance. Its my one passion that has never died out, even when everything else has/had.

2. That 70s Show is an obsession. I love Kelso, I just hope my kid isn't as dumb as him. I'd kill him if he is. I want to marry Fez, just so that I can hear him talk in that brilliant accent all day long.

3. My family are like the nerves of my body, and my friends are the blood running in it. I cant live without either.

4. I hate pretentious, liar-ly people. Like, forget about the rest of the world and what they think. If you think what you're doing is right, go ahead and do it. Whether its making out, having sex, killing someone or breaking someones heart. Stop pretending to like someone when you actually dont.

5. No matter what anyone says, I believe that beyond everything, no one's a genuinely "bad" person. Call it naive, stupid or immature. I still believe everyone is innately good. When people do bad things, its their bad side getting the better of them. It doesnt make them bad people. (I guess there can be VERY few exceptions, Narendra Modi would be one).

6. This is picked up from a mail, but I had to put it in cuz its so true: Dont say 'I love you' unless you REALLY mean it. But when you mean it, say it alot, people forget.

7. Everyone gets hurt. Its not a new thing, we've all been through it, and we've all to get over it. Quoting Foamy the Squirrel who I absolutely love: "Dont you have better things to do with your life than be emotionally attached to someone who hates your guts? Do something with your life!... at the very least shoot yourself."

8. I hate it when Im told to think about 'people who have bigger problems than me' when Im depressed. LET ME BE. I want to bask in the glory (or sorrow) of my depression. If you cant deal with that then fine, Im depressed for those people who have bigger problems, happy? ( I guess my first post ever was inspired by this point! :)

9. I love Gloria Jeans' coffee. Mint chocolate bomb. YUM! =)

10. Yes, my dream was to become the President of India. And I truly believed I would one day. Oh well :)

11. My mom is my idol when it comes to morals, and my dad is my idol when it comes practicality. My aunt is my idol when it comes to hotness and fitness.

12. I always have a liking for older males. Much more than I do for boys my age. Somehow.

13. I believe in love at first sight, it can totally happen. Im a complete romantic at heart. I love flattery, as long as its not fake and false. I love love. And I love loving love <3 =)

14. I love Mohammad Rafi's, Kishore Kumar's and Jagjit Singh's songs. Ive been for a Jagjit Singh concert and I dont think Ive ever loved life or love more than I did at that moment. I have my pensive moods every once in a while where I only listen to old hindi music. And someone having a problem with that or finding it amusing isn't going to make me stop.

15. My top 25 most played songs include: Everything by Lifehouse, Kuch Khaas from Fashion, Kehna Hi Kya from Bombay, Innocence by Avril, Breathe by Anna Nalick, Basketcase by Green Day, PS-I love you soundtrack by Chuck Prophet and Zara Zara from RHTDM. These are the songs I can listen to ANYTIME.

16. A lot of people think Im an outgoing extrovert who loves partying and the likes, but anyone who knows me any better would know that Id choose lying at home on my dark purple diwaan near my window, under the white silk blanket that my grandma got me, my iPod, a book and the AC at 21 degrees, over any party or outing in the world.

17. Amore ice-cream is better than Baskin Robbins, Gelato, Mama Mia and Naturals. Stop living in denial, suckers.

18. Best friend is a term very loosely used. I guess that's cuz it shows how much you care for the person, how much you talk, and that you really know them well. But its more than that. Its not talking for days on end and still being able to catch up where you left off from. Its understanding when the person is forgetful enough to always forget to call back, and calling them for the 100th time in a day when they've forgotten. Its calling for the 100th time and still having things to talk about :) Its running off to hillstations together, without telling anyone. Its surprising them at 12 on their birthday night. Its ditching them when they're going for a movie alone with someone they dont want to, because you think its funny. Its being able to make and take jokes. Its being their maid of honour and dancing your butt off at their wedding. Its talking till 3 in the morning about nothing at all.

19. I think Abhay Deol is hot. And I would give up absolutely anything in the world to marry Mark Ruffalo.

20. I dont think psychology is easy, or stupid. Its brilliant and intellectual, like me :)

21. I love sunsets. Im sure I would love sunrises as well, if I ever woke up early enough to see one.

22. I dont think you always need to have a guy/girl in your life. Single-ness can be very productive to find out more about yourself and who you want to be. Even if your hormones are going wild and you're becoming insanely horny. Self-control is one of the few virtues which can be developed.

23. Its still fun to have a guy in your life :P

24. Birthdays are super special. Its YOUR day in the year. The day you came into the world, how many ever years back. How can there be anyone who doesn't find THAT special?

25. Never regret anything that made you smile. :)

Jump.

Gravity. When we jump up, we have a certain gravitational force and the earth has a certain gravitational force. But the earth's force is so much stronger than ours, that it pulls us back towards itself, instead of the other way round.

6 billion people on earth. What if every single one of them came into one continent, and jumped together? Would that make the earth move a quarter of a millimeter? That would be awesome.

Vacations.

I've had some of the best vacations in some of the best places.
When I was 11, and my sister was 6, my parents decided to take us to a new continent every year, and show us the world.

We started off with Africa. I was too young to remember anything, except that a black man had touched my ass while we were taking a picture with him. And that, in hope of seeing a lion making a kill, our family had set off at 4 in the morning in Masai Mara, in a 4x4xfar wheeler. It was supposed to be a jeep that could climb a tree. Nothing could stop it. Sleepy, hungry, irritable, we set off in our amazing jeep, but all we saw was deer and giraffes! And then it happened. The car which could climb a tree, which could be stopped by nothing, got stuck in a dumpload of muck. It had been raining all night, so everything was wet around us. We had left the main road and gone into the wild, making our own path with this fantastic car. And it failed us. Was that the worst part? Nope. In Africa, buffaloes are considered to be the most dangerous animals. More dangerous than lions and tigers and everything. And there they were, a mile away from us, a herd of buffaloes, staring at us. The walkie-talkie the driver had carried was not working since we were too far away from the main road where there was signal. So we were stuck in the middle of a Masai Mara field, with a 20 buffaloes a mile away, no communication to the rest of the world, and absolutely no food or water. I thought I was going to die there.
But ofcourse, my brilliant father devised a plan of making a track full of dry leaves and stones, starting from under the tyres, creating friction and getting us all out of there, back to our 7-star hotel.
That's pretty much all I remember from that trip. Oh yeah, and we saw a lion eating a hippo.

The next year was Australia. We were with this other family there. I dont remember the trip as well as I remember the mother of that other family. She was the mother of my then-best-friend. And her pronunciations were as bad as they get. She called 'penguins', 'penguilins'. Her son and her were walking on the street, and he saw a hotel with a "vacancy" sign outside of it. Being as young as he was, he asked his mother what that meant. She told him "Baby that is the name of the street, 'Vay-sen-see street', and this is 'No Vay-sen-see street'!" When her daughter, my best friend, picked out a nice pair of shoes, she proudly said "She is following in my footpath!". Oh, oh, oh. Those were the days. What would the trip have been without you, auntie?

The year after that was Europe. We went to Italy, Rome, Venice, Florence, Vatican City. I remember the Sistine Chapel like I saw it yesterday. And after seeing at least 59 churches in my life, I can confidently say nothing comes close to the Duomo in Milan.

Our next stop was America. I literally remember nothing about that trip, except that we went to Orlando and took the Caribbean Cruise, with Royal Caribbean.

Then, back to Europe. We did a couple of places I dont remember, and then the Mediterranean Cruise, again with Royal Caribbean.

The year after that, we did Asia, Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur and Bangkok. Shopping. Lots of it.

Then mom fell sick. So we decided the best place to go was Goa, India. We chilled for a week. Played chess, cards, table tennis, swam, and had a truly relaxing time, unlike all our other hectic vacations which tired us more than rejuvenated us!

And this year was Austria, Switzerland and the Greek Cruise. I cant remember having a better vacation with family. I am now legally an adult, and my sister is old enough to look after herself. My parents opened up to us, cracked jokes with us, laughed with us, it was absolutely fantastic. One thing my dad said that totally shocked me, and made me realize that he finally understands Im not an innocent child was when my sister and I, the day after coming down from Jungfrau, the highest peak in the world, refused to go to Mount Titlus, as we were sick of snow and frostbitten! My dad just came in and said, "No, we have to go to Titlus, simply because of its name!" It took a second for my sister and me to realize he had made a dirty joke in front of us! Oh the cuteness of father's never cease to amaze me :) And ofcourse, I had my first beer... With my father :P It took my mom a while to digest the fact that her daughter drinks, but there was only so much she could do about it, fortunately. My cruise was double as fun as usual, because I met these 5 ladies there, crazy, English, white ladies, who had come to celebrate their friend's 50th birthday. I would be out with them every night, and I dont think I could have laughed harder with anyone else! And ofcourse, in comes cute boy, Nicholas, who I only had the courage to speak to on the last night! And the next day, standing on the pool deck, talking to him, I was sure that I had never received more dirty stares from all the girls around me than I had in those two hours :)

So that concludes my family trips. They have been fun, depressing, irritating, fattening, loved, and hated, all at the same time. But I look forward to them every year :)

One trip with my friends, though, that I will never forget, is that of Goa. Right before our final exams of IB, the 12th grade, almost my entire batch (65 people) went to Goa together for 5 days. It was the wildest time of our lives. Never again in 5 days have we laughed so hard, drank so much, slept so little, and eaten so much. My best friend and I decided to go for a ride around the city on our own, so we rented a bike (from a very reluctant bike renter, since my friend got on to the bike and didnt know how to start it) and went on our own personal tour. With her Tommy Hilfiger shoes, my Gucci glares and out short skirts, there was no way we could look any cooler. And then.... BOOM. We're sitting on the bike laughing so hard that it begins to vibrate and we laugh even harder and we dont see the truck thats coming straight towards us and by the time we see it she has turn and break immediately in order for us not to die and... We fell. Her Tommy shoes flew off and my Gucci glares flew off. I fell on a knee that I had fallen on 4 times before. And she hurt herself on her shin. You would think both of us would be worried about the bike and my knee and her shin, right? But before we cold get up, she yelled "Tommy!" and I yelled "Gucci!" and if any of the people around us were thinking of helping us up, this changed their minds. That accident cost me dearly (rather, cost my father dearly, as he paid for my surgery), but that was one trip I will cherish for the rest of my life.

So many memories, so many incidents, so many places, so few years. I might not remember all of the details of every place, but what I do know is that its these vacations, however hectic or stressful, that act as milestones in our lives, breaking up our long lives into periods "before" and "after" the vacation. I love them. And I'm thankful that I'm fortunate enough to be able to take them.

The Time Of Your Life

School friends. They're supposed to last....hmmm...forever.

We go off to university, come back on Christmas, in summer, looking forward to rekindling old bonds.

That's what I was like.

And here I am, back in the city I grew up in, and all I do is sort out rumors, deal with fights, and hear new bitching sessions everyday. We're not in school anymore. In school the gossiping and bitching was fine, fun, even (albeit our school crossed all lines and boundaries... The last year of high school, when we were 17 year olds, nothing surprised us. Not cheating lovers, not flings with younger people, nothing.) But now we've all moved on, to our new lives, to university, where no one cares about who you kissed that night or how many people you slept with on this night. Where everyone hangs out, but eventually leads their own life. I like this life. I love this life where I can be part of a group whenever and detach whenever, not having to worry about what rumors are spreading today.

And then I come back in summer. And it all starts over. Just like high school, you say? No. Worse than high school. And I thought that was never possible!

People don't change. You can go live in another country with new people and lead a brand new life, but you always stay the same person in your core. And your past, it never, ever leaves you. People say "Move on, get over it." How do you move on when everyday someone makes a joke about it? How do you get over it when the person is sitting right in front of you, one amongst all your friends?

You mend your life after a bad break-up. You heal your heart after a friend has abandoned you at time of need. But you dont get over it. It stays with you; everytime you find a new lover, every time you make a new "best friend", every time you start trusting, every time you start loving. The fear that, like the last time, this time too will turn out to be devastating, or ruined, if nothing else. The fear stays with you for a long, long time.

I like to believe that one day, a person will come along and free me of these fears, these precautions I take every time I start a new relationship. I like to believe that my school years, even with the gossiping and bitching and back-biting, will remain in my memory as the best time of my life. I like to believe... Because i have nothing else to go by.

Who Is He?

He brought me up. He gave me money. He paid for my expenses. He covered up for my faults. He yelled at me when I was wrong. He stood up for me in difficulty. He made me the person I am.

But now, Im 18. I've become the person Im going to be for the rest of my life. He has to STOP treating me like Im a child. I still use his money. I still live under his roof. But Im an adult. If I want to wear low-neck tops, I'll wear them. If I want to drink, I'll drink. If I want to have a boyfriend, I'll have one. If I want to have three, I'll have three. HE DOES NOT DICTATE MY LIFE. HE CAN NOT TELL ME HOW TO LIVE. I a my own person, and I will decide how to live my life.

So thank you, dad, for making me this person I am. But its time you realized you have to let me go now. Let me be who I am, wear what I want, eat and drink what I want. Next time I wear a low top, tell me once, even twice, to "pull it up"; but don't, not ever, tell me to go change it, because I like what I'm wearing, and I'm sorry you don't.

Diets.

Ever since I was a child, I'd been told "You've put on weight, you have to lose it, eat less." My WHOLE, ENTIRE LIFE. And when I look back, heck!, I wasn't fat! Not even on the good side of obese! Just a healthy, pretty little child! I was always told Im gorgeous, but for it to show I need to lose weight. So I tried. My whole, entire life, I tried to shed the excess pounds. But never, not once, did I succeed. Maybe it was because I'm the biggest chocolate lover you will find, and there was NO WAY I could resist a piece of any kind of chocolate lying infront of me (I did an Emotional Freedom Therapy session, at the end I didnt want the chocolate and I was like 'Woohoo!' and the next day it was back to 'Give me the dam thing'). But I tried. Really, really hard.

My aunt (dad's sister) is a fitness trainer. At 40, she's at hot as women of 25 come. She trains all the big stars of Bollywood and makes them look the way they are. So I went to her. Hoping, that things would change.

Last year, I got knee surgery done. Owing to my inevitable clumsiness I had managed to fall on the same knee 7 times. So I went to my aunt to help me make it stronger before I went off to university. For 2 months, everyday barring Sunday, I went to the gym for THREE HOURS. Cardio, pilates, gym, cardio. Monday to Saturday, everyday. You would think I became a stick by the end, wouldn't you? I didnt drop a single kilo. I toned up, of course. My legs had never looked better and I was feeling amazing! But not one kilo off.

Then I go away to university, and come back 10 kilos plus. 10 kilos, in 2 months. My entire family nearly dies of heart failure when they see me. What do they say? "You've put on weight, you have to lose it." Rings a bell?

Its frustrating. Its annoying. Its nerve fucking wrecking. I was always fat. Now Im fatTER. So when you look at me, dont give me those surprised eyes. I see them everytime I meet someone after a while. Its funny, sometimes. I just get bigger, and bigger, and bigger. I cant imagine myself with a guy who likes me for 3 years because I'm "bigger" than him (I wasn't even fat then).

Im still trying, of course. The latest diet on my list is the General Motors Diet.
Day 1 - Only fruits
Day 2 - Only vegetables
Day 3 - Only fruits and vegetables (ahh, you're allowed cooked veges!)
Day 4 (dying, right now) - Bananas and milk (SERIOUSLY? WHY bananas. WHY milk. EW.)
Day 5 (tomorrow should be a good day!) - Chicken and tomatoes
Day 6 - Chicken and vegetables
Day 7 - Uhh, I've only eaten 5 bananas all day, please, my brain isn't functioning.

So at the end of 7 days, we'll see if this one works. If not, well there's another one waiting in line; called Fit For Life. Till then, my body craves sleep, buenos noches.

Let Go

Growing up, older, moving on with life, forgetting old friends, making new one's, bitching, gossiping, working, socializing, flings, relationships, marriage. Thats as far as I can go. Thinking about kids and grandkids freaks me out atm. But the things before that, everything mentioned, changes people.

I wanted to call a friend up today, to talk to him, just because I felt like, but I couldn't. He was at work doing an internship. And I suddenly felt a pang of depression. I remembered the times back in the 9th grade that I used to be able to call him all day, any day, at any time. And he would pick up and talk for as long as I wanted. Now there are restrictions. I cant call him because he's working, I cant call her because she's gymming, and another million "I cant's". I CANT TAKE IT. There - one more I cant.

And then I realize, this is the beginning of the rest of our life, is it not? Its the start of what is going to happen day after day, week after week, year after year. When does it stop? When do we go back to being restriction-less? Come to think of it, even in the 9th grade I had restrictions - on my bedtime, on hours till I have to be back home, on (no) boyfriends. When we're born, as well, there are restrictions that we dont know of, like the food we're given, the clothes we're made to wear. I don't mean 'restrictions' in terms of a limit, I mean it in terms of a set definition; what you CAN and what you CANT give a baby (or do when you're this old).

When we grow old and retire, unless you're one of the few healthy oldies in this world full of junk-eaters and smokers, you have restrictions upon what you can eat, the medicines you have to take.

Other people are always defining a part of our life. Whether its a small part or a big part, I believe that differs from person to person. Some people like being told what to do. They like following other people around and being a tail to some dog. They like getting influenced by the millions of people around them. Others, don't. They rebel, they are headstrong and they just won't listen. But even then, there is always at least one person (if not more) who they succumb to, listen to, care for, and are influenced by. (usually there are 4 different people towards whom these 4 emotions are directed to, but occasionally it may be one person as well).

Its possible to live as if every man is an island. Thats bullshit. No man is an island, and no man will ever be. Even if they want to; because by the time they realize they want to be an island and start drifting away from everyone, they will have memories of their past which they wont be able to let go. And if someone is forced to be an island, for instance if one is a social outcast, they will always have some good memories to fall back upon and live by. Which is what bothers me. That I might never have any new memories that are as special, as unique as my old one's. Because the people who make up those memories will change, and I will change. I cant seem to let it go.
But fact is, that people change, and memories remain.
That's why, I have to let go.

A Spoilt, Rich, Unhappy Child

One of the more fortunate one's, with whom life has been rather generous. A duplex sea-facing house filled with the best Italian marble, loving parents, adorable grandparents, studying in central London and spending without a second thought about "budgets". Yes, you can call me a spoilt rich kid. I have everything most people dream of, and yet here I am in my bedroom which is way too big for one person, sitting and throwing around all my shoes out of the drawer and laundered clothes off the table because things aren't the way I want them to be. And crying. I stare out of my window which takes up one entire wall, and I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. People out on the road with no clothes to shelter them from the rain and the scorching Mumbai heat, and no shoes to keep their feet from the oh-so-disgusting puddles, should be crying. Not me, not the rich, spoilt kid. And then I feel "Hey, hold it."

Everyone has a right to feelings. Justified feelings or not. Because in their heads they're justified. How many times have we dealt with a problem, and at the time felt that this is the biggest deal in the world, that nothing could be worse? And how many times, a couple of years later, have we looked back at that time and laughed at ourselves? I know I have. Whether its boy issues or financial situations, we humans have a tendency of turning a molehill into a mountain (any aliens reading this? suggestions?). We're suckers for sorrow, for pity, sympathy and all the synonyms that go with it.

Sometimes, I actually enjoy it. People talk about basking in the glory of their joy. I like basking in the depression of my sorrow. It gives me a weird sort of pleasure. Makes me feel... Complete. Makes me feel that, 'Yes, Im a human, I feel all the spectrum's of mood'. When there's so much corruption around me, in the form of gossiping, bribing, bitching, backstabbing, theft, destruction, war and death, the simple feelings of joy & sorrow take me back to the good-human part of me. I feel a connection with the ancestors we evolved from. We might be able to fly to the moon and back, and be able to create cars that run on water, things our ancestors could never dream of (read: mobile phones! My grandmom still revels in that invention), but we're linked to them because of the way we feel - they felt the same things 100s of 1000s of years ago. The things that we feel today. The feeling that our problem is the biggest deal in the world.

So the next time Im crying and someone tells me to "Stop crying and see how blessed you are", Im going to tell them to shove it, because I like basking in the depression of my sorrow. And no, that does not make me a spoilt, rich, unhappy child; it makes me human.