Its just this feeling, you know. Like everything is just going to be this way forever. Not self pity (as some self-absorbed people would think), but just.... Fear, I guess.
My best friend has cancer. He is on life support right now, fighting for his life. I am a 1000 miles away feeling astounded, helpless, and depressed beyond any normal realms of sadness. I go to the passport office to check why the fuck they wont give me my passport so I can go see the guy who means the world to me, and I meet a really cute guy. Im hitting it off with someone I actually find attractive after really long. I guess my luck with boys up until now has sucked. They like me, I dont like them. I like them, they start liking me, I stop liking them. Utterly irritating. So, I meet really cute guy, and there's this vibe... Just a really good vibe between us. Not awkward sexual tension or discomfort or anything... Just a nice vibe. A really decent guy from a good background and just so darn cute. So we part on the terms that we'll definitely meet up, maybe even later this evening. And then I text him, and he replies, and I reply, and he stops. The next day he tells me to call him, we talk, decide to meet, and he stops replying again.
The reason, actually, I dont want to date, is because I cant go through the whole process. Meeting a new person, flirting a bit, getting to know them, going out for the first time, awkward silences, the waiting for replies (ahem ahem), the "ask out", and then finally you're in a relationship. And bloody after ALL that, there's no guarantee that it'll even work! WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT, EXACTLY?
I think Im going off on a rant because Im chumming, and on top of that Im nervous about my best friend who's in a coma 24/7. And on top of that waiting for a person to reply is just not something I can deal with. Ofcourse, this is not counting the fact that a girl I thought was my "one person" never understood me, and isn't there for me at a time like this.
Just look at me! Complaining and cribbing. Life is good. I have everything most people want. So, next post = all the great things in life. Number one, though, would be friends, and 1st in that friend list, would come my friend who's fighting for his life. How, again, is life good?
