Moving On

So there's a difference now, from before. Im certain of it. The wanting, the need to see him and talk to him is going. Its still there, but I guess it will always be, a little bit.

The last time we met it was after a gap of two months. Two months of not seeing his beautiful face was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. But then we met, and it was so normal. While we got back into relationship mode for a while, the entire time it was different in my head. Every time I looked at him I didn't feel any pain or sorrow that he wasn't going to be mine forever. When we were were together I didn't fear that it would come to an end and I would be shattered. I guess that's what moving on is, right?

He's been with someone else already. When I heard, I decided to adopt the Buddhist philosophy and observe what I felt instead of actually feeling it. I decided I had a choice: I could get really upset and angry that something like this has happened, feel really betrayed and disillusioned...and eventually have to be okay with it, because it was done already. OR I could accept that he isn't mine anymore and that he didn't belong to me! I chose the second, and surprisingly found that life was much better like that. I didn't feel any heaviness at the back of my mind relating to something that usually would have broken me. I was happy and proud of myself.

Although the day after the meeting was terrible and whiney and just a nightmare in general, I found that getting back to being "okay" was easier this time round. I was okay in 2 days, and somewhere in between the week I actually woke up not craving him, or to be with him or talk to him at all. I thought "Yay! Its over!"... Well, it wasn't, but that was a huge step forward!

I guess the missing will always remain due to the fondness. There were so many things about him that I was in love with that I chose to ignore the things that weren't compatible. I find that reminding myself of the times when I was with him and questioned our compatibility reminds me that I'm putting the relationship on a pedestal because I dont have it anymore. But I cannot deny that it was beautiful. The state of being in love is by far the most intoxicating drug in the world. It takes over your life and fills it with pure happiness, so much so that you don't even realize that your life isn't what it used to be anymore. Sometimes this is for better and sometimes for worse. For us, while I'm tempted to say it was both, it was actually only for worse. Our lives revolved around one another, and even when we met recently, it was a stark reminder of how we were perfectly comfortable telling everyone and everything in our lives to go to hell, and just live off of each other. It was toxic, but in the best way. Its like a drug. You love it, you know its bad for you but you dont really want to accept it. And while you're doing it, its bliss. Thats how we are. How we were.

Maturity is realizing when its time to move to a new thing, or let go of something in the past.

I will always miss the intoxicating feeling that I felt while I was in love. But I will also remember that it was a phase, and now... its time to move on. 

Understanding death

Our entire life culminates at death. It comes to death, and stops, or finishes. We don't really know what happens to us after death, even though there are countless theories - some in the form of religion, some spiritual and others simple philosophy. When we think about how much we know - or rather how little we know - it dawns that each one of us individually don't form even a speck in the history of time. 

We know that one day we're going to die from the second we can grasp the concept of life. Immortality is a concept that exists only within the limits of the word itself. So, we know that life is limited, we know that we're going to die, and we know that this in inevitable and will happen to each and every person we know, without fail. And yet we manage to get so upset about death, and live in the shadows of the fear of what we know is going to happen. 

One way of looking at it is that, its only natural. Losing a person who you once loved, cherished and shared so many beautiful memories with is painful. We are individuals with emotion, we're bound to feel pain. But we're also individuals with the power of reason. That's essentially the only thing that humans can boast of possessing over all other living beings. Then how does the pain of experiencing something that you know is inevitable cause emotions to overshadow our reasoning powers to the extent where no explanation is good enough to overcome the agony?

If you think about it practically, no one else can really cause you any pain or happiness. It's your understanding and response to another's actions or words that has the ability to cause pain or happiness. Consider this: A younger brother tells both his older sisters (separately) that they are fat. One takes offence and locks herself in her room and cries, while the other takes no heed and moves on. The comment was the same, but the reactions depended on the other person. The same way, a boy could tell 2 different girls that she looked like an angel; while one would be flattered and blushing, the other might think of it as cheesy and decide to stay away. It all eventually boils down to the filters we use when we perceive the world. Each person has a different lens on their eyes depending on every single experience or idea they have had (which, in the larger scheme of things, amounts to nothing). Yet, experiencing death of a loved one manages to put almost all humans in the same boat. A boat filled with worry, denial, confusion, wonder, anger, pain and most importantly, fear. 

Some feel the fear of realizing that their time too is limited. Although this sounds simple, it has the ability to really shake up your reality. While as a concept, death is grasped by us mentally at a young age, the first encounter in reality with the same makes us view the world with a new lens of impermanence and, in some cases, disillusionment. 

I started writing this with the idea that, the way I view the world today, I feel death will not have as much as an impact on me as before. Once the acceptance sets in that everyone is going to leave one day, no matter how good, bad, rich, smart, dumb, kind, bitchy, ugly or pretty they are, you start to realize that its time to look at the bigger picture. The motivation to actually serve a purpose in this lifetime arises. The life I live probably wont be spoken about 18000 years later. No one then will remember my name or who I was, or even know of my existence. But what I can do is something that I feel is worthwhile. Its not about what other people think or say or expect. Its about feeling a personal sense of achievement when the day comes to go. Knowing that this world may not remember you, but you made the most of it anyway. Because at the end of the day, everyone goes... I want to go happy.