The Concept of Letting Go

This is taken from daily emails that I receive - Positive Reflections by Brahmakumaris. They're wonderful insights into life.

The Concept of Letting Go

We have to dare to be free. Why? Because fear prevents us from taking the decisions that lead us to live and feel our full freedom. We should dare to let go because dependencies trap us. Let us look at a story that shows us what happens.

It is the story of a bird that, after having flown for a long time, leans on the branch of a tree to rest. While resting, it finds the wellbeing of staying there until, little by little, it gets the idea that its life is on the branch. When a day arrives on which it asks itself why it doesn't carry on flying, it says "Oh, this branch is stuck to me and I can't fly!" The bird blames the branch. In reality, the bird has got stuck to the branch. It has the capacity and the wings to fly but its perception is clouded. It no longer sees its purpose with clarity or its potential to reach it. The freedom of the bird is in its wings but it has got stuck onto the branch. That is the reality that it has created for itself.

The freedom of a human being is in his or her awareness. But when their awareness has got stuck onto the branch (the object of their attachment) and they begin to blame the branch for their impossibility to free themselves, then they are trapped. When our awareness is clouded and we are clinging on, we do not see with clarity and neither do we exercise our freedom and let go.

Another example of how dependencies trap us, is that of the monkey; you can trap a monkey by giving it a jar with peanuts in it. The monkey puts its hand in the jar to get the peanuts. On having its hand full of peanuts it can't get it out of the jar, so it has got trapped. To free itself the only thing it has to do is let go of the peanuts and that way it will be able to take its hand out. That is how we are at times; we don't let go and we stay trapped in situations, in people, in the past.

Along the way, we will find a lot of jars with peanuts in and branches to settle down on - many scenes that will attract us and please us. The dependency begins, almost without our realizing, when we begin to feel the desire to be in these situations. The pleasure turns into desire, the desire turns into need and the need turns into habit, then to dependence and finally into an addiction. It is fine to enjoy the branches, but let us keep awake and alert - conscious of our freedom - in order not to fall into dependence; enjoying the branch or jar without it trapping us.

An example of how the pleasure turns into desire, the desire into need, the need into habit, habit into dependence and finally the dependence into an addiction - process (explained yesterday) takes place can be seen in some smokers. The smoker, little by little, liked smoking, then desired to smoke, then needed to smoke; he/she created the habit of smoking, it turned into a dependence and finally into an addiction. It began because he liked it but it ended up generating that addiction.

We live disconnected from ourselves, with a lot of unnecessary dependencies and needs. When you think that you need to smoke, you believe something that is not true. What does it mean that you need to smoke? Negative effects of smoking on the body are well known; we already breathe in enough pollution from cars and we do not need to breath in more unnecessary smoke. However, the person who smokes believes that it is a need and, while they believe it, they don't realize, or if they do realize, they don't want to accept that it is an unnecessary dependence.

This process can happen in many other cases: emotional, mental and physical dependencies and addictions towards people, objects and ideas. When we are hooked we lose emotional, mental and intellectual control over our inner selves and in our awareness. The solution is in knowing how to let go.


If only letting go were that simple. But if we don't try, we'll never know, right?

Awakening?

I feel like I've been hit by a rock. Like I have been blind and utterly stupid and suddenly one person has  said things that have made me see what I have been ignoring, minimalizing in my head. To be fair, I really didn't know any other way of coping with this. After my fairytale romance ended I did everything in my power to rationalize it, to think "This would never have worked, what was I thinking?" Talking to anybody who would listen to a love story about me and an anonymous perfect man who had strong religious values that kept us from being together. I felt like an advice junkie. I felt like somewhere amidst all that advice I would find the answers to all my questions. That something someone would say would go "TING!!!!" in my head and make me okay with everything that is going on.

If only that worked. If only it had helped. All it did was take me further and further away from the truth. How could ANYONE who didn't know us even try and make a comment about us? US! I can go on for hours about us, but that wont help anything. You had to know us, see us together, talking, laughing, loving, to even begin to understand what we were. Or... what we are?

And then suddenly today morning I got struck by lightning. I heard his side of things, in detail like never before. He opened of every part of his heart and displayed it in an email. And now its all so clear. I was being a selfish, self-centered snob who wouldn't look away from her own pain, because I had been adviced that now I must look out for myself; that he had left me, and I had to take care of myself and cut him out.

Oh, the bullshit advice.

That is what has changed. The above mentioned person who is selfish and self-centered is not me. It never has been. I was trying to be someone I am not in the hope that it would help me move on from this. But all it has done is make me pathetic and bitter and angry and hopeless... Not to mention incredibly stupid. How did I ever think I could turn my head away from the man I loved so much, that even despite my commitment phobia, I wanted to marry? All I have been thinking about is that.
"He left me."
"He is confused about me. I deserve better."
"Its over, forget about it."
"Don't beat yourself up over someone who wouldn't even fight for you."
"ITS ALL HIS FAULT."

And in this dirty thought process I conveniently forgot all about the basis of my major: empathy. I forgot to ask myself, "what must he be going through? Why is he doing this?"


But now I know. I know and I respect it more than anything. You professing your love for me was the most beautiful thing I have ever read, and telling me about your confusion, the most painful.

Wishful thinking: Lets rewind, go back to when we broke up, and I will be different, less blind. I will care, caress and understand.

How could I have asked you to go against your mother, father, relatives, cousins, everyone who has known you in a certain way for 24 years? Our parents raise us with so many hopes and expectations of what our life will be like. And while some prefer to let us take our destiny into our own hands, others like to be in control of our destiny, to make sure that we don't screw up, and ensure that we will be happy, one way or another. I asked you to go against all of that. I asked for too much.

But that's the problem. It will always be too much I'm asking for. And it will always be too much you're asking from me. I never see a day coming where talking to your parents will be easy. Or where me making sacrifices will be do-able. Unfortunately the world where we live doesn't change. It stays the same, year after year, decade after decade. For me, I was most upset that you didn't believe in us enough to fight for us. But when I see what is at stake for you, I feel guilty for ever even asking you to give it up.

So, I can't blame me. I can't blame him. I cant blame anyone's family. Where does that leave me? After any kind of pain, an individual needs someone to criticize, to yell at, to let their frustration out. Who do I criticize? Who do I yell at? When I think of yelling at God, I think, but He has a plan for me... This must be part of it.

That leaves me just hurting and brooding like a sob story, yet again. Having no one to turn to and blame. But... Maybe that is what this experience is meant to teach me? That we won't always have people to blame in life. Sometimes, we have to just accept things as they are, and believe, with equanimity, that it will pass. 

Dreams and Insecurities

I've been wanting to post for a while now, recreating my Argentinian exchange experience. But somehow, even though I find multiple interesting cultural differences daily, I couldn't get myself to write about anything, until now.

This really has nothing to do with Argentina. Or... maybe it does. Its possible that Im writing this to find out myself. 

Last night while I was dreaming I could feel myself crying inside of my dream. It was an emotion I have felt before in my waking state but at a highly premature level. Insecurities stemming from parental discord. The feeling that they think I'm not good enough, that they will support anyone or anything that is placed against me, that they just don't GET IT. But in this dream... In this dream it was these emotions heightened to feel suicidal tendencies. All I remember was in our new house, there was a party and I was trying my hardest to avoid making eye contact with my parents. I tried to stay as far away from them as possible. And when they would manage to get near I would feel a whirlwind of negative emotions stirring up inside of me, making me grit my teeth and abuse them.

But no, that wasn't enough to make me write this. Having had disturbed sleep, I decided to take a short siesta. It was like last night all over again, only this time more vivid. The corridors looked like my school, and inside one of the rooms was a meeting going on with my father, his colleagues, me and an old driver that I profusely dislike, who was sitting on a chair next to me. I remember him saying he needed to tell my father something, and I remember forgetting about that. After I was done saying what I had to, I asked the driver to move his hand and get up up from where he was sitting because he was bothering me. Why did his hand resting on the side of my chair bother me so much? I don't know, but I flipped it and told him to leave. He then got aggressive and said but why should I leave, I haven't told saahab my problem yet! He wanted Rs. 15 to buy his daughter a gift. Rs. 15? Who today needs Rs. 15 for anything? What do you even get in that much? Again, I don't know, but that was bad enough to make me feel guilty and apologize to him. And then it started. My father's rant. That I don't care about anyone. I had finished voicing my problems, but that gave me no right to shut him up. And then the all famous punch line: How would I ever be a psychologist when I get so worked up about small things? 

That is it. That's what it was about. None of these incidents mentioned above have actually occurred besides him saying that last line to me. It must have really affected me if I made up a dream around it, proving him right. 

I remember telling him that I had apologized, and his friends/colleagues backing me up. Then I remember storming out of that room and him following me, only to hear me tell him to "Fuck Off". And then I ran for my life. I don't tell my father to fuck off without bad, bad consequences. Not in reality, and apparently not in my dreams either. I ran down the corridor and down the school steps. And then I stopped. And I decided I wanted to hurt myself. Was it for attention? Was it to punish myself? I don't know, but I started rolling down the stairs. And I felt pain. Real, physical pain on my arms and legs and back and head. And then a little girl who was walking down the steps saw me and decided she wanted to roll as well. So she leapt on to my back and got hurt with me for a while. Until a teacher I had never seen before stopped us, smiling, and said it was time to read. 

Cut to me in my bathroom. I was smoking. And then I open the window and step out on to this huge balcony, one that I have seen many times before in my dreams, but doesn't really exist at all. I don't quite remember what I was thinking when I saw one of my maids walk in from another entrance of the balcony (my grandmom's bathroom window). She walks towards me and I quickly hide the smoke. Enter maid number 2, wearing my diamond earrings that I took off last night (in reality) and put into my accessory bag. While Maid 1 was questioning me cheekily on what I was doing, I called Maid 2 closer. This is a maid who, in reality, I absolutely adore as she is only 17. So I call her close and I hold her cheek with one hand, and when I have gripped it tightly, I slap her. She tries to move away, but she is not scared. She and Maid 1 are laughing. I am furious. I run to some room that I have not seen before, yet it looks familiar. My mom and grandmom are chatting as usual. I tell them about this incident, expecting outrage from them too. But what do I get? My mom telling me to take it easy, and that it was not a big deal. WHAT?! Not a big deal?! I almost had a spaz attack. I called her names and asked her to wait till Maid 2 wore her diamond earrings.

I don't think I could handle anymore, so I woke up and burst out crying. 

I'm really far away from home and the last few conversations my mom had with me were to do with how she and my dad didn't want to send me abroad because they were wondering "if I was really worth it?" I had wasted enough money, I didn't seem to be interested in studies, what was the point in spending crores more, blah blah blah. My father is so goddamn rich that if he and my entire family were no more, my sister and I would be able to support ourselves and another generation extremely comfortably without a single day of work. And he is saying he doesn't want to pay for my education? That's funny, right? Makes me feel like I'm worth so little. Even my parents don't have faith in me. I sound like a sob story. A self-fucking-pitying sob story. But you know what, maybe I am one.

My boyfriend of 1.5 years, who I was willing to change my entire being of existence for and marry, was "confused" about me, and left. My parents who raised me to be the person I am today, the person who I was going to change for my boyfriend, don't have faith in me, not even enough to send me to study a subject I am certain of. I mean really, can I please have my moment of self-pity before I slap myself and realize that it's all my doing? Thanks.

Okay. I'm done. I should never have been willing to change myself for someone else. I should not allow anyone else to define who I am or what I am worth.... BLAH BLAH BLAH. Unfortunately the two biggest parts of my life doubted me at the same time and made me doubt myself. 

No more self-pity. No more stress. No more allowing other people to define me. I AM ME. And I will be who I want to be, and if anyone has a problem with that they can go Fuck Off. 

The only problem is... Who Am I, again?