Love is not enough.

I just messaged him. Oh why why why did I do that? Its so STUPID. I am the one who decided that we would not speak for 2 months. I was the one who chose this. He broke up, I decided I needed time to get over him. THEN WHY DID I JUST INBOX HIM?

How can there be a rationale for these things? I keep crying in the bathroom at work, wondering what the hell I'm crying about! We've decided to be friends 2 months later. Maybe that's just it. Friends. How do 2 passionate lovers let go of their feelings and have a platonic friendship? Maybe that is what is killing me inside. That I can't hold his hand, hug him, kiss him and love him whenever I feel like. We'll have boundaries. Its like the marriage issue. Going from a free, open-minded household to a closed-minded one is just too hard. The same way, going from having no limits in the relationship for loving and being loved, to having boundaries defining what we can and cannot say around each other. HOW CAN THAT NOT MAKE ME CRY?!

Im such a whiner. I hate it. I hate being so vulnerable, so sensitive. One wrong thing anyone says to me today and it could be the start of a flood originating from my eyes. I want to go home and bawl my eyes out. I want to weep loudly and scream and yell and let a little of the pain out. I feel like my heart has been hit with a hammer, and it has been dented and bruised and broken.

They say time is the best healer. What about the pain BEFORE time swoops in and makes everything hunky-dory again? What about me till then? Im supposed to sit and wait for time to make my heart stop acutely aching and my tears unlimitedly flowing? I cannot rationalize this. I cannot find the correct means to rationalize this.

I can tell myself how Im better off without him, that I was restricted in many ways. But then again, I cannot. Saying anything about how Im better off without him seems like insulting him, insulting our relationship. How can anyone be better off without love like that? Love that is all-consuming and immersing. I want to be in love like that forever. I want to love him forever. I want to be loved by him forever.

"Love is not enough." This is what he said. Why is it that if he says it then I will mull over it, but if I have thought it then I will keep doubting it? I guess thats what he's doing too. He made the decision and he rethinks it, over and over again. How can you make a decision like that and live with it without any doubt? Its not possible.

So then I guess, I will doubt, I will cry, I will be angry, I will be sad, I will question, wonder and criticize. And eventually, in about a year, I will accept. I will see clearly. I will know. Why it happened, the reasons and the consequences. I hope I never regret accepting his decision instead of fighting. But how can a relationship work like that? When one person says yes and the other says no? It cannot. Thats why I let go. I gave him what he wanted.

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. If they dont, they never were." He may think of me as the bird he is setting free. But I am setting him free too. We are both letting go of each other to see where life will take us sans each other. And if life doesn't bring us back together (IF JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT IS SO HARD, how will I live the reality?).... It doesn't mean he wasn't mine and I wasn't his. It just means that the world didn't allow us to be each other's forever.

I want you to know, my love, that if I don't come back, do not mistake it with thinking that I was never yours. I was, and there will always be a part of me, even after years, that will always belong to you, and that will always love you.

Religion v/s Philosophy v/s Love

Wow, it really has been forever. I actually thought I may never come back on to this site and write... Maybe come back and read what I was mulling over 2 years ago. But here I am, down in the dumps, finding myself typing on this site this as a potential way to feel better and be able to smile without it taking all of my effort and energy left.

Another year, another break up. Sounds so boring. So depressing. So OVERDONE. People break up everyday... just get over it, right? Wrong. Every single breakup is the end of some sort of a relationship. If the relationship was abusive and detrimental to either person's health, then good riddance. But what if it exceeded the expectations of your idea of a fairytale relationship? It was so good, that you are willing to do change you'd never have expected yourself to change. Things like yourself.

We are all brought up with a certain set of ideas, belief systems and values. Moving beyond the nature v nurture debate, and simplifying the core of our being entirely, we can say that it is these values that ultimately define who we are. Whether they come from our genes or our environment, it makes you You, and me Me. You might believe that the whole world is created by God, humans came from Adam and Eve, evolution is bullshit, and your religion is the only one that sends people to heaven. And I might not care about religion, believe strongly in evolution, respect other religions simply because there are other people out there who follow it with such fervor, and that deserves respect. That would mean, but very plainly, that we are opposites right? Believe it or not, two people believing in the exact same belief systems as mentioned above, fell madly in love, and lost themselves in a world of their own. But, how is that even possible? How do two so drastically different individuals manage to find a place in their heart to love another that disbelieves everything you've grown up with?

It all began because the love stemmed from an appreciation of the outer human being, their qualities and  their demeanor. When they first met, they didn't realize how different they were. And after a month of togetherness, the differences ceased to make an impact on them. Anything that came their way, they were willing to deal with. Because they meant too much to each other. How would they find anyone else to be like this with? To love this much?

The problem is, with the core being different, the outer qualities cease to matter. See, the two are so confusable. Our core values define what kind of people we become, if we are kind, caring, chivalrous, loving, romantic, etc. But two people who possess all the same qualities could have acquired them through completely different belief systems. You could be kind and charitable because it is a product of your religious upbringing, and I could be the same because it is a product of my having learnt to question the reason for being cruel and immoral. You and I have, in this case,  come from different schools of thought. You come from a religious background, and I come from a philosophical background. I could try and consider your viewpoint, but the base of your beliefs is blind acceptance. It is what you have been taught since before you were born. And the very basis of my existence is questioning and reasoning, I do not know what it is like to accept without question.

It all boils down to the same thing. Religion managed to come in the way of two perfectly happy people having the best time of their lives together. Philosophy did too. Why can't just love be enough?