FTS. FML.

Its just this feeling, you know. Like everything is just going to be this way forever. Not self pity (as some self-absorbed people would think), but just.... Fear, I guess.

My best friend has cancer. He is on life support right now, fighting for his life. I am a 1000 miles away feeling astounded, helpless, and depressed beyond any normal realms of sadness. I go to the passport office to check why the fuck they wont give me my passport so I can go see the guy who means the world to me, and I meet a really cute guy. Im hitting it off with someone I actually find attractive after really long. I guess my luck with boys up until now has sucked. They like me, I dont like them. I like them, they start liking me, I stop liking them. Utterly irritating. So, I meet really cute guy, and there's this vibe... Just a really good vibe between us. Not awkward sexual tension or discomfort or anything... Just a nice vibe. A really decent guy from a good background and just so darn cute. So we part on the terms that we'll definitely meet up, maybe even later this evening. And then I text him, and he replies, and I reply, and he stops. The next day he tells me to call him, we talk, decide to meet, and he stops replying again.

The reason, actually, I dont want to date, is because I cant go through the whole process. Meeting a new person, flirting a bit, getting to know them, going out for the first time, awkward silences, the waiting for replies (ahem ahem), the "ask out", and then finally you're in a relationship. And bloody after ALL that, there's no guarantee that it'll even work! WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT, EXACTLY?

I think Im going off on a rant because Im chumming, and on top of that Im nervous about my best friend who's in a coma 24/7. And on top of that waiting for a person to reply is just not something I can deal with. Ofcourse, this is not counting the fact that a girl I thought was my "one person" never understood me, and isn't there for me at a time like this.

Just look at me! Complaining and cribbing. Life is good. I have everything most people want. So, next post = all the great things in life. Number one, though, would be friends, and 1st in that friend list, would come my friend who's fighting for his life. How, again, is life good?

25 things about me

It was a note on facebook which I stumbled across. I'd written it ages ago, but most of the things are still so relevant.

1. I LOVE dancing. I live to dance. Its my one passion that has never died out, even when everything else has/had.

2. That 70s Show is an obsession. I love Kelso, I just hope my kid isn't as dumb as him. I'd kill him if he is. I want to marry Fez, just so that I can hear him talk in that brilliant accent all day long.

3. My family are like the nerves of my body, and my friends are the blood running in it. I cant live without either.

4. I hate pretentious, liar-ly people. Like, forget about the rest of the world and what they think. If you think what you're doing is right, go ahead and do it. Whether its making out, having sex, killing someone or breaking someones heart. Stop pretending to like someone when you actually dont.

5. No matter what anyone says, I believe that beyond everything, no one's a genuinely "bad" person. Call it naive, stupid or immature. I still believe everyone is innately good. When people do bad things, its their bad side getting the better of them. It doesnt make them bad people. (I guess there can be VERY few exceptions, Narendra Modi would be one).

6. This is picked up from a mail, but I had to put it in cuz its so true: Dont say 'I love you' unless you REALLY mean it. But when you mean it, say it alot, people forget.

7. Everyone gets hurt. Its not a new thing, we've all been through it, and we've all to get over it. Quoting Foamy the Squirrel who I absolutely love: "Dont you have better things to do with your life than be emotionally attached to someone who hates your guts? Do something with your life!... at the very least shoot yourself."

8. I hate it when Im told to think about 'people who have bigger problems than me' when Im depressed. LET ME BE. I want to bask in the glory (or sorrow) of my depression. If you cant deal with that then fine, Im depressed for those people who have bigger problems, happy? ( I guess my first post ever was inspired by this point! :)

9. I love Gloria Jeans' coffee. Mint chocolate bomb. YUM! =)

10. Yes, my dream was to become the President of India. And I truly believed I would one day. Oh well :)

11. My mom is my idol when it comes to morals, and my dad is my idol when it comes practicality. My aunt is my idol when it comes to hotness and fitness.

12. I always have a liking for older males. Much more than I do for boys my age. Somehow.

13. I believe in love at first sight, it can totally happen. Im a complete romantic at heart. I love flattery, as long as its not fake and false. I love love. And I love loving love <3 =)

14. I love Mohammad Rafi's, Kishore Kumar's and Jagjit Singh's songs. Ive been for a Jagjit Singh concert and I dont think Ive ever loved life or love more than I did at that moment. I have my pensive moods every once in a while where I only listen to old hindi music. And someone having a problem with that or finding it amusing isn't going to make me stop.

15. My top 25 most played songs include: Everything by Lifehouse, Kuch Khaas from Fashion, Kehna Hi Kya from Bombay, Innocence by Avril, Breathe by Anna Nalick, Basketcase by Green Day, PS-I love you soundtrack by Chuck Prophet and Zara Zara from RHTDM. These are the songs I can listen to ANYTIME.

16. A lot of people think Im an outgoing extrovert who loves partying and the likes, but anyone who knows me any better would know that Id choose lying at home on my dark purple diwaan near my window, under the white silk blanket that my grandma got me, my iPod, a book and the AC at 21 degrees, over any party or outing in the world.

17. Amore ice-cream is better than Baskin Robbins, Gelato, Mama Mia and Naturals. Stop living in denial, suckers.

18. Best friend is a term very loosely used. I guess that's cuz it shows how much you care for the person, how much you talk, and that you really know them well. But its more than that. Its not talking for days on end and still being able to catch up where you left off from. Its understanding when the person is forgetful enough to always forget to call back, and calling them for the 100th time in a day when they've forgotten. Its calling for the 100th time and still having things to talk about :) Its running off to hillstations together, without telling anyone. Its surprising them at 12 on their birthday night. Its ditching them when they're going for a movie alone with someone they dont want to, because you think its funny. Its being able to make and take jokes. Its being their maid of honour and dancing your butt off at their wedding. Its talking till 3 in the morning about nothing at all.

19. I think Abhay Deol is hot. And I would give up absolutely anything in the world to marry Mark Ruffalo.

20. I dont think psychology is easy, or stupid. Its brilliant and intellectual, like me :)

21. I love sunsets. Im sure I would love sunrises as well, if I ever woke up early enough to see one.

22. I dont think you always need to have a guy/girl in your life. Single-ness can be very productive to find out more about yourself and who you want to be. Even if your hormones are going wild and you're becoming insanely horny. Self-control is one of the few virtues which can be developed.

23. Its still fun to have a guy in your life :P

24. Birthdays are super special. Its YOUR day in the year. The day you came into the world, how many ever years back. How can there be anyone who doesn't find THAT special?

25. Never regret anything that made you smile. :)

Jump.

Gravity. When we jump up, we have a certain gravitational force and the earth has a certain gravitational force. But the earth's force is so much stronger than ours, that it pulls us back towards itself, instead of the other way round.

6 billion people on earth. What if every single one of them came into one continent, and jumped together? Would that make the earth move a quarter of a millimeter? That would be awesome.

Vacations.

I've had some of the best vacations in some of the best places.
When I was 11, and my sister was 6, my parents decided to take us to a new continent every year, and show us the world.

We started off with Africa. I was too young to remember anything, except that a black man had touched my ass while we were taking a picture with him. And that, in hope of seeing a lion making a kill, our family had set off at 4 in the morning in Masai Mara, in a 4x4xfar wheeler. It was supposed to be a jeep that could climb a tree. Nothing could stop it. Sleepy, hungry, irritable, we set off in our amazing jeep, but all we saw was deer and giraffes! And then it happened. The car which could climb a tree, which could be stopped by nothing, got stuck in a dumpload of muck. It had been raining all night, so everything was wet around us. We had left the main road and gone into the wild, making our own path with this fantastic car. And it failed us. Was that the worst part? Nope. In Africa, buffaloes are considered to be the most dangerous animals. More dangerous than lions and tigers and everything. And there they were, a mile away from us, a herd of buffaloes, staring at us. The walkie-talkie the driver had carried was not working since we were too far away from the main road where there was signal. So we were stuck in the middle of a Masai Mara field, with a 20 buffaloes a mile away, no communication to the rest of the world, and absolutely no food or water. I thought I was going to die there.
But ofcourse, my brilliant father devised a plan of making a track full of dry leaves and stones, starting from under the tyres, creating friction and getting us all out of there, back to our 7-star hotel.
That's pretty much all I remember from that trip. Oh yeah, and we saw a lion eating a hippo.

The next year was Australia. We were with this other family there. I dont remember the trip as well as I remember the mother of that other family. She was the mother of my then-best-friend. And her pronunciations were as bad as they get. She called 'penguins', 'penguilins'. Her son and her were walking on the street, and he saw a hotel with a "vacancy" sign outside of it. Being as young as he was, he asked his mother what that meant. She told him "Baby that is the name of the street, 'Vay-sen-see street', and this is 'No Vay-sen-see street'!" When her daughter, my best friend, picked out a nice pair of shoes, she proudly said "She is following in my footpath!". Oh, oh, oh. Those were the days. What would the trip have been without you, auntie?

The year after that was Europe. We went to Italy, Rome, Venice, Florence, Vatican City. I remember the Sistine Chapel like I saw it yesterday. And after seeing at least 59 churches in my life, I can confidently say nothing comes close to the Duomo in Milan.

Our next stop was America. I literally remember nothing about that trip, except that we went to Orlando and took the Caribbean Cruise, with Royal Caribbean.

Then, back to Europe. We did a couple of places I dont remember, and then the Mediterranean Cruise, again with Royal Caribbean.

The year after that, we did Asia, Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur and Bangkok. Shopping. Lots of it.

Then mom fell sick. So we decided the best place to go was Goa, India. We chilled for a week. Played chess, cards, table tennis, swam, and had a truly relaxing time, unlike all our other hectic vacations which tired us more than rejuvenated us!

And this year was Austria, Switzerland and the Greek Cruise. I cant remember having a better vacation with family. I am now legally an adult, and my sister is old enough to look after herself. My parents opened up to us, cracked jokes with us, laughed with us, it was absolutely fantastic. One thing my dad said that totally shocked me, and made me realize that he finally understands Im not an innocent child was when my sister and I, the day after coming down from Jungfrau, the highest peak in the world, refused to go to Mount Titlus, as we were sick of snow and frostbitten! My dad just came in and said, "No, we have to go to Titlus, simply because of its name!" It took a second for my sister and me to realize he had made a dirty joke in front of us! Oh the cuteness of father's never cease to amaze me :) And ofcourse, I had my first beer... With my father :P It took my mom a while to digest the fact that her daughter drinks, but there was only so much she could do about it, fortunately. My cruise was double as fun as usual, because I met these 5 ladies there, crazy, English, white ladies, who had come to celebrate their friend's 50th birthday. I would be out with them every night, and I dont think I could have laughed harder with anyone else! And ofcourse, in comes cute boy, Nicholas, who I only had the courage to speak to on the last night! And the next day, standing on the pool deck, talking to him, I was sure that I had never received more dirty stares from all the girls around me than I had in those two hours :)

So that concludes my family trips. They have been fun, depressing, irritating, fattening, loved, and hated, all at the same time. But I look forward to them every year :)

One trip with my friends, though, that I will never forget, is that of Goa. Right before our final exams of IB, the 12th grade, almost my entire batch (65 people) went to Goa together for 5 days. It was the wildest time of our lives. Never again in 5 days have we laughed so hard, drank so much, slept so little, and eaten so much. My best friend and I decided to go for a ride around the city on our own, so we rented a bike (from a very reluctant bike renter, since my friend got on to the bike and didnt know how to start it) and went on our own personal tour. With her Tommy Hilfiger shoes, my Gucci glares and out short skirts, there was no way we could look any cooler. And then.... BOOM. We're sitting on the bike laughing so hard that it begins to vibrate and we laugh even harder and we dont see the truck thats coming straight towards us and by the time we see it she has turn and break immediately in order for us not to die and... We fell. Her Tommy shoes flew off and my Gucci glares flew off. I fell on a knee that I had fallen on 4 times before. And she hurt herself on her shin. You would think both of us would be worried about the bike and my knee and her shin, right? But before we cold get up, she yelled "Tommy!" and I yelled "Gucci!" and if any of the people around us were thinking of helping us up, this changed their minds. That accident cost me dearly (rather, cost my father dearly, as he paid for my surgery), but that was one trip I will cherish for the rest of my life.

So many memories, so many incidents, so many places, so few years. I might not remember all of the details of every place, but what I do know is that its these vacations, however hectic or stressful, that act as milestones in our lives, breaking up our long lives into periods "before" and "after" the vacation. I love them. And I'm thankful that I'm fortunate enough to be able to take them.

The Time Of Your Life

School friends. They're supposed to last....hmmm...forever.

We go off to university, come back on Christmas, in summer, looking forward to rekindling old bonds.

That's what I was like.

And here I am, back in the city I grew up in, and all I do is sort out rumors, deal with fights, and hear new bitching sessions everyday. We're not in school anymore. In school the gossiping and bitching was fine, fun, even (albeit our school crossed all lines and boundaries... The last year of high school, when we were 17 year olds, nothing surprised us. Not cheating lovers, not flings with younger people, nothing.) But now we've all moved on, to our new lives, to university, where no one cares about who you kissed that night or how many people you slept with on this night. Where everyone hangs out, but eventually leads their own life. I like this life. I love this life where I can be part of a group whenever and detach whenever, not having to worry about what rumors are spreading today.

And then I come back in summer. And it all starts over. Just like high school, you say? No. Worse than high school. And I thought that was never possible!

People don't change. You can go live in another country with new people and lead a brand new life, but you always stay the same person in your core. And your past, it never, ever leaves you. People say "Move on, get over it." How do you move on when everyday someone makes a joke about it? How do you get over it when the person is sitting right in front of you, one amongst all your friends?

You mend your life after a bad break-up. You heal your heart after a friend has abandoned you at time of need. But you dont get over it. It stays with you; everytime you find a new lover, every time you make a new "best friend", every time you start trusting, every time you start loving. The fear that, like the last time, this time too will turn out to be devastating, or ruined, if nothing else. The fear stays with you for a long, long time.

I like to believe that one day, a person will come along and free me of these fears, these precautions I take every time I start a new relationship. I like to believe that my school years, even with the gossiping and bitching and back-biting, will remain in my memory as the best time of my life. I like to believe... Because i have nothing else to go by.

Who Is He?

He brought me up. He gave me money. He paid for my expenses. He covered up for my faults. He yelled at me when I was wrong. He stood up for me in difficulty. He made me the person I am.

But now, Im 18. I've become the person Im going to be for the rest of my life. He has to STOP treating me like Im a child. I still use his money. I still live under his roof. But Im an adult. If I want to wear low-neck tops, I'll wear them. If I want to drink, I'll drink. If I want to have a boyfriend, I'll have one. If I want to have three, I'll have three. HE DOES NOT DICTATE MY LIFE. HE CAN NOT TELL ME HOW TO LIVE. I a my own person, and I will decide how to live my life.

So thank you, dad, for making me this person I am. But its time you realized you have to let me go now. Let me be who I am, wear what I want, eat and drink what I want. Next time I wear a low top, tell me once, even twice, to "pull it up"; but don't, not ever, tell me to go change it, because I like what I'm wearing, and I'm sorry you don't.

Diets.

Ever since I was a child, I'd been told "You've put on weight, you have to lose it, eat less." My WHOLE, ENTIRE LIFE. And when I look back, heck!, I wasn't fat! Not even on the good side of obese! Just a healthy, pretty little child! I was always told Im gorgeous, but for it to show I need to lose weight. So I tried. My whole, entire life, I tried to shed the excess pounds. But never, not once, did I succeed. Maybe it was because I'm the biggest chocolate lover you will find, and there was NO WAY I could resist a piece of any kind of chocolate lying infront of me (I did an Emotional Freedom Therapy session, at the end I didnt want the chocolate and I was like 'Woohoo!' and the next day it was back to 'Give me the dam thing'). But I tried. Really, really hard.

My aunt (dad's sister) is a fitness trainer. At 40, she's at hot as women of 25 come. She trains all the big stars of Bollywood and makes them look the way they are. So I went to her. Hoping, that things would change.

Last year, I got knee surgery done. Owing to my inevitable clumsiness I had managed to fall on the same knee 7 times. So I went to my aunt to help me make it stronger before I went off to university. For 2 months, everyday barring Sunday, I went to the gym for THREE HOURS. Cardio, pilates, gym, cardio. Monday to Saturday, everyday. You would think I became a stick by the end, wouldn't you? I didnt drop a single kilo. I toned up, of course. My legs had never looked better and I was feeling amazing! But not one kilo off.

Then I go away to university, and come back 10 kilos plus. 10 kilos, in 2 months. My entire family nearly dies of heart failure when they see me. What do they say? "You've put on weight, you have to lose it." Rings a bell?

Its frustrating. Its annoying. Its nerve fucking wrecking. I was always fat. Now Im fatTER. So when you look at me, dont give me those surprised eyes. I see them everytime I meet someone after a while. Its funny, sometimes. I just get bigger, and bigger, and bigger. I cant imagine myself with a guy who likes me for 3 years because I'm "bigger" than him (I wasn't even fat then).

Im still trying, of course. The latest diet on my list is the General Motors Diet.
Day 1 - Only fruits
Day 2 - Only vegetables
Day 3 - Only fruits and vegetables (ahh, you're allowed cooked veges!)
Day 4 (dying, right now) - Bananas and milk (SERIOUSLY? WHY bananas. WHY milk. EW.)
Day 5 (tomorrow should be a good day!) - Chicken and tomatoes
Day 6 - Chicken and vegetables
Day 7 - Uhh, I've only eaten 5 bananas all day, please, my brain isn't functioning.

So at the end of 7 days, we'll see if this one works. If not, well there's another one waiting in line; called Fit For Life. Till then, my body craves sleep, buenos noches.

Let Go

Growing up, older, moving on with life, forgetting old friends, making new one's, bitching, gossiping, working, socializing, flings, relationships, marriage. Thats as far as I can go. Thinking about kids and grandkids freaks me out atm. But the things before that, everything mentioned, changes people.

I wanted to call a friend up today, to talk to him, just because I felt like, but I couldn't. He was at work doing an internship. And I suddenly felt a pang of depression. I remembered the times back in the 9th grade that I used to be able to call him all day, any day, at any time. And he would pick up and talk for as long as I wanted. Now there are restrictions. I cant call him because he's working, I cant call her because she's gymming, and another million "I cant's". I CANT TAKE IT. There - one more I cant.

And then I realize, this is the beginning of the rest of our life, is it not? Its the start of what is going to happen day after day, week after week, year after year. When does it stop? When do we go back to being restriction-less? Come to think of it, even in the 9th grade I had restrictions - on my bedtime, on hours till I have to be back home, on (no) boyfriends. When we're born, as well, there are restrictions that we dont know of, like the food we're given, the clothes we're made to wear. I don't mean 'restrictions' in terms of a limit, I mean it in terms of a set definition; what you CAN and what you CANT give a baby (or do when you're this old).

When we grow old and retire, unless you're one of the few healthy oldies in this world full of junk-eaters and smokers, you have restrictions upon what you can eat, the medicines you have to take.

Other people are always defining a part of our life. Whether its a small part or a big part, I believe that differs from person to person. Some people like being told what to do. They like following other people around and being a tail to some dog. They like getting influenced by the millions of people around them. Others, don't. They rebel, they are headstrong and they just won't listen. But even then, there is always at least one person (if not more) who they succumb to, listen to, care for, and are influenced by. (usually there are 4 different people towards whom these 4 emotions are directed to, but occasionally it may be one person as well).

Its possible to live as if every man is an island. Thats bullshit. No man is an island, and no man will ever be. Even if they want to; because by the time they realize they want to be an island and start drifting away from everyone, they will have memories of their past which they wont be able to let go. And if someone is forced to be an island, for instance if one is a social outcast, they will always have some good memories to fall back upon and live by. Which is what bothers me. That I might never have any new memories that are as special, as unique as my old one's. Because the people who make up those memories will change, and I will change. I cant seem to let it go.
But fact is, that people change, and memories remain.
That's why, I have to let go.

A Spoilt, Rich, Unhappy Child

One of the more fortunate one's, with whom life has been rather generous. A duplex sea-facing house filled with the best Italian marble, loving parents, adorable grandparents, studying in central London and spending without a second thought about "budgets". Yes, you can call me a spoilt rich kid. I have everything most people dream of, and yet here I am in my bedroom which is way too big for one person, sitting and throwing around all my shoes out of the drawer and laundered clothes off the table because things aren't the way I want them to be. And crying. I stare out of my window which takes up one entire wall, and I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. People out on the road with no clothes to shelter them from the rain and the scorching Mumbai heat, and no shoes to keep their feet from the oh-so-disgusting puddles, should be crying. Not me, not the rich, spoilt kid. And then I feel "Hey, hold it."

Everyone has a right to feelings. Justified feelings or not. Because in their heads they're justified. How many times have we dealt with a problem, and at the time felt that this is the biggest deal in the world, that nothing could be worse? And how many times, a couple of years later, have we looked back at that time and laughed at ourselves? I know I have. Whether its boy issues or financial situations, we humans have a tendency of turning a molehill into a mountain (any aliens reading this? suggestions?). We're suckers for sorrow, for pity, sympathy and all the synonyms that go with it.

Sometimes, I actually enjoy it. People talk about basking in the glory of their joy. I like basking in the depression of my sorrow. It gives me a weird sort of pleasure. Makes me feel... Complete. Makes me feel that, 'Yes, Im a human, I feel all the spectrum's of mood'. When there's so much corruption around me, in the form of gossiping, bribing, bitching, backstabbing, theft, destruction, war and death, the simple feelings of joy & sorrow take me back to the good-human part of me. I feel a connection with the ancestors we evolved from. We might be able to fly to the moon and back, and be able to create cars that run on water, things our ancestors could never dream of (read: mobile phones! My grandmom still revels in that invention), but we're linked to them because of the way we feel - they felt the same things 100s of 1000s of years ago. The things that we feel today. The feeling that our problem is the biggest deal in the world.

So the next time Im crying and someone tells me to "Stop crying and see how blessed you are", Im going to tell them to shove it, because I like basking in the depression of my sorrow. And no, that does not make me a spoilt, rich, unhappy child; it makes me human.