The Time Of Your Life

School friends. They're supposed to last....hmmm...forever.

We go off to university, come back on Christmas, in summer, looking forward to rekindling old bonds.

That's what I was like.

And here I am, back in the city I grew up in, and all I do is sort out rumors, deal with fights, and hear new bitching sessions everyday. We're not in school anymore. In school the gossiping and bitching was fine, fun, even (albeit our school crossed all lines and boundaries... The last year of high school, when we were 17 year olds, nothing surprised us. Not cheating lovers, not flings with younger people, nothing.) But now we've all moved on, to our new lives, to university, where no one cares about who you kissed that night or how many people you slept with on this night. Where everyone hangs out, but eventually leads their own life. I like this life. I love this life where I can be part of a group whenever and detach whenever, not having to worry about what rumors are spreading today.

And then I come back in summer. And it all starts over. Just like high school, you say? No. Worse than high school. And I thought that was never possible!

People don't change. You can go live in another country with new people and lead a brand new life, but you always stay the same person in your core. And your past, it never, ever leaves you. People say "Move on, get over it." How do you move on when everyday someone makes a joke about it? How do you get over it when the person is sitting right in front of you, one amongst all your friends?

You mend your life after a bad break-up. You heal your heart after a friend has abandoned you at time of need. But you dont get over it. It stays with you; everytime you find a new lover, every time you make a new "best friend", every time you start trusting, every time you start loving. The fear that, like the last time, this time too will turn out to be devastating, or ruined, if nothing else. The fear stays with you for a long, long time.

I like to believe that one day, a person will come along and free me of these fears, these precautions I take every time I start a new relationship. I like to believe that my school years, even with the gossiping and bitching and back-biting, will remain in my memory as the best time of my life. I like to believe... Because i have nothing else to go by.

Who Is He?

He brought me up. He gave me money. He paid for my expenses. He covered up for my faults. He yelled at me when I was wrong. He stood up for me in difficulty. He made me the person I am.

But now, Im 18. I've become the person Im going to be for the rest of my life. He has to STOP treating me like Im a child. I still use his money. I still live under his roof. But Im an adult. If I want to wear low-neck tops, I'll wear them. If I want to drink, I'll drink. If I want to have a boyfriend, I'll have one. If I want to have three, I'll have three. HE DOES NOT DICTATE MY LIFE. HE CAN NOT TELL ME HOW TO LIVE. I a my own person, and I will decide how to live my life.

So thank you, dad, for making me this person I am. But its time you realized you have to let me go now. Let me be who I am, wear what I want, eat and drink what I want. Next time I wear a low top, tell me once, even twice, to "pull it up"; but don't, not ever, tell me to go change it, because I like what I'm wearing, and I'm sorry you don't.

Diets.

Ever since I was a child, I'd been told "You've put on weight, you have to lose it, eat less." My WHOLE, ENTIRE LIFE. And when I look back, heck!, I wasn't fat! Not even on the good side of obese! Just a healthy, pretty little child! I was always told Im gorgeous, but for it to show I need to lose weight. So I tried. My whole, entire life, I tried to shed the excess pounds. But never, not once, did I succeed. Maybe it was because I'm the biggest chocolate lover you will find, and there was NO WAY I could resist a piece of any kind of chocolate lying infront of me (I did an Emotional Freedom Therapy session, at the end I didnt want the chocolate and I was like 'Woohoo!' and the next day it was back to 'Give me the dam thing'). But I tried. Really, really hard.

My aunt (dad's sister) is a fitness trainer. At 40, she's at hot as women of 25 come. She trains all the big stars of Bollywood and makes them look the way they are. So I went to her. Hoping, that things would change.

Last year, I got knee surgery done. Owing to my inevitable clumsiness I had managed to fall on the same knee 7 times. So I went to my aunt to help me make it stronger before I went off to university. For 2 months, everyday barring Sunday, I went to the gym for THREE HOURS. Cardio, pilates, gym, cardio. Monday to Saturday, everyday. You would think I became a stick by the end, wouldn't you? I didnt drop a single kilo. I toned up, of course. My legs had never looked better and I was feeling amazing! But not one kilo off.

Then I go away to university, and come back 10 kilos plus. 10 kilos, in 2 months. My entire family nearly dies of heart failure when they see me. What do they say? "You've put on weight, you have to lose it." Rings a bell?

Its frustrating. Its annoying. Its nerve fucking wrecking. I was always fat. Now Im fatTER. So when you look at me, dont give me those surprised eyes. I see them everytime I meet someone after a while. Its funny, sometimes. I just get bigger, and bigger, and bigger. I cant imagine myself with a guy who likes me for 3 years because I'm "bigger" than him (I wasn't even fat then).

Im still trying, of course. The latest diet on my list is the General Motors Diet.
Day 1 - Only fruits
Day 2 - Only vegetables
Day 3 - Only fruits and vegetables (ahh, you're allowed cooked veges!)
Day 4 (dying, right now) - Bananas and milk (SERIOUSLY? WHY bananas. WHY milk. EW.)
Day 5 (tomorrow should be a good day!) - Chicken and tomatoes
Day 6 - Chicken and vegetables
Day 7 - Uhh, I've only eaten 5 bananas all day, please, my brain isn't functioning.

So at the end of 7 days, we'll see if this one works. If not, well there's another one waiting in line; called Fit For Life. Till then, my body craves sleep, buenos noches.

Let Go

Growing up, older, moving on with life, forgetting old friends, making new one's, bitching, gossiping, working, socializing, flings, relationships, marriage. Thats as far as I can go. Thinking about kids and grandkids freaks me out atm. But the things before that, everything mentioned, changes people.

I wanted to call a friend up today, to talk to him, just because I felt like, but I couldn't. He was at work doing an internship. And I suddenly felt a pang of depression. I remembered the times back in the 9th grade that I used to be able to call him all day, any day, at any time. And he would pick up and talk for as long as I wanted. Now there are restrictions. I cant call him because he's working, I cant call her because she's gymming, and another million "I cant's". I CANT TAKE IT. There - one more I cant.

And then I realize, this is the beginning of the rest of our life, is it not? Its the start of what is going to happen day after day, week after week, year after year. When does it stop? When do we go back to being restriction-less? Come to think of it, even in the 9th grade I had restrictions - on my bedtime, on hours till I have to be back home, on (no) boyfriends. When we're born, as well, there are restrictions that we dont know of, like the food we're given, the clothes we're made to wear. I don't mean 'restrictions' in terms of a limit, I mean it in terms of a set definition; what you CAN and what you CANT give a baby (or do when you're this old).

When we grow old and retire, unless you're one of the few healthy oldies in this world full of junk-eaters and smokers, you have restrictions upon what you can eat, the medicines you have to take.

Other people are always defining a part of our life. Whether its a small part or a big part, I believe that differs from person to person. Some people like being told what to do. They like following other people around and being a tail to some dog. They like getting influenced by the millions of people around them. Others, don't. They rebel, they are headstrong and they just won't listen. But even then, there is always at least one person (if not more) who they succumb to, listen to, care for, and are influenced by. (usually there are 4 different people towards whom these 4 emotions are directed to, but occasionally it may be one person as well).

Its possible to live as if every man is an island. Thats bullshit. No man is an island, and no man will ever be. Even if they want to; because by the time they realize they want to be an island and start drifting away from everyone, they will have memories of their past which they wont be able to let go. And if someone is forced to be an island, for instance if one is a social outcast, they will always have some good memories to fall back upon and live by. Which is what bothers me. That I might never have any new memories that are as special, as unique as my old one's. Because the people who make up those memories will change, and I will change. I cant seem to let it go.
But fact is, that people change, and memories remain.
That's why, I have to let go.

A Spoilt, Rich, Unhappy Child

One of the more fortunate one's, with whom life has been rather generous. A duplex sea-facing house filled with the best Italian marble, loving parents, adorable grandparents, studying in central London and spending without a second thought about "budgets". Yes, you can call me a spoilt rich kid. I have everything most people dream of, and yet here I am in my bedroom which is way too big for one person, sitting and throwing around all my shoes out of the drawer and laundered clothes off the table because things aren't the way I want them to be. And crying. I stare out of my window which takes up one entire wall, and I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. People out on the road with no clothes to shelter them from the rain and the scorching Mumbai heat, and no shoes to keep their feet from the oh-so-disgusting puddles, should be crying. Not me, not the rich, spoilt kid. And then I feel "Hey, hold it."

Everyone has a right to feelings. Justified feelings or not. Because in their heads they're justified. How many times have we dealt with a problem, and at the time felt that this is the biggest deal in the world, that nothing could be worse? And how many times, a couple of years later, have we looked back at that time and laughed at ourselves? I know I have. Whether its boy issues or financial situations, we humans have a tendency of turning a molehill into a mountain (any aliens reading this? suggestions?). We're suckers for sorrow, for pity, sympathy and all the synonyms that go with it.

Sometimes, I actually enjoy it. People talk about basking in the glory of their joy. I like basking in the depression of my sorrow. It gives me a weird sort of pleasure. Makes me feel... Complete. Makes me feel that, 'Yes, Im a human, I feel all the spectrum's of mood'. When there's so much corruption around me, in the form of gossiping, bribing, bitching, backstabbing, theft, destruction, war and death, the simple feelings of joy & sorrow take me back to the good-human part of me. I feel a connection with the ancestors we evolved from. We might be able to fly to the moon and back, and be able to create cars that run on water, things our ancestors could never dream of (read: mobile phones! My grandmom still revels in that invention), but we're linked to them because of the way we feel - they felt the same things 100s of 1000s of years ago. The things that we feel today. The feeling that our problem is the biggest deal in the world.

So the next time Im crying and someone tells me to "Stop crying and see how blessed you are", Im going to tell them to shove it, because I like basking in the depression of my sorrow. And no, that does not make me a spoilt, rich, unhappy child; it makes me human.