I feel like I've been hit by a rock. Like I have been blind and utterly stupid and suddenly one person has said things that have made me see what I have been ignoring, minimalizing in my head. To be fair, I really didn't know any other way of coping with this. After my fairytale romance ended I did everything in my power to rationalize it, to think "This would never have worked, what was I thinking?" Talking to anybody who would listen to a love story about me and an anonymous perfect man who had strong religious values that kept us from being together. I felt like an advice junkie. I felt like somewhere amidst all that advice I would find the answers to all my questions. That something someone would say would go "TING!!!!" in my head and make me okay with everything that is going on.
If only that worked. If only it had helped. All it did was take me further and further away from the truth. How could ANYONE who didn't know us even try and make a comment about us? US! I can go on for hours about us, but that wont help anything. You had to know us, see us together, talking, laughing, loving, to even begin to understand what we were. Or... what we are?
And then suddenly today morning I got struck by lightning. I heard his side of things, in detail like never before. He opened of every part of his heart and displayed it in an email. And now its all so clear. I was being a selfish, self-centered snob who wouldn't look away from her own pain, because I had been adviced that now I must look out for myself; that he had left me, and I had to take care of myself and cut him out.
Oh, the bullshit advice.
That is what has changed. The above mentioned person who is selfish and self-centered is not me. It never has been. I was trying to be someone I am not in the hope that it would help me move on from this. But all it has done is make me pathetic and bitter and angry and hopeless... Not to mention incredibly stupid. How did I ever think I could turn my head away from the man I loved so much, that even despite my commitment phobia, I wanted to marry? All I have been thinking about is that.
"He left me."
"He is confused about me. I deserve better."
"Its over, forget about it."
"Don't beat yourself up over someone who wouldn't even fight for you."
"ITS ALL HIS FAULT."
And in this dirty thought process I conveniently forgot all about the basis of my major: empathy. I forgot to ask myself, "what must he be going through? Why is he doing this?"
But now I know. I know and I respect it more than anything. You professing your love for me was the most beautiful thing I have ever read, and telling me about your confusion, the most painful.
Wishful thinking: Lets rewind, go back to when we broke up, and I will be different, less blind. I will care, caress and understand.
How could I have asked you to go against your mother, father, relatives, cousins, everyone who has known you in a certain way for 24 years? Our parents raise us with so many hopes and expectations of what our life will be like. And while some prefer to let us take our destiny into our own hands, others like to be in control of our destiny, to make sure that we don't screw up, and ensure that we will be happy, one way or another. I asked you to go against all of that. I asked for too much.
But that's the problem. It will always be too much I'm asking for. And it will always be too much you're asking from me. I never see a day coming where talking to your parents will be easy. Or where me making sacrifices will be do-able. Unfortunately the world where we live doesn't change. It stays the same, year after year, decade after decade. For me, I was most upset that you didn't believe in us enough to fight for us. But when I see what is at stake for you, I feel guilty for ever even asking you to give it up.
So, I can't blame me. I can't blame him. I cant blame anyone's family. Where does that leave me? After any kind of pain, an individual needs someone to criticize, to yell at, to let their frustration out. Who do I criticize? Who do I yell at? When I think of yelling at God, I think, but He has a plan for me... This must be part of it.
That leaves me just hurting and brooding like a sob story, yet again. Having no one to turn to and blame. But... Maybe that is what this experience is meant to teach me? That we won't always have people to blame in life. Sometimes, we have to just accept things as they are, and believe, with equanimity, that it will pass.
If only that worked. If only it had helped. All it did was take me further and further away from the truth. How could ANYONE who didn't know us even try and make a comment about us? US! I can go on for hours about us, but that wont help anything. You had to know us, see us together, talking, laughing, loving, to even begin to understand what we were. Or... what we are?
And then suddenly today morning I got struck by lightning. I heard his side of things, in detail like never before. He opened of every part of his heart and displayed it in an email. And now its all so clear. I was being a selfish, self-centered snob who wouldn't look away from her own pain, because I had been adviced that now I must look out for myself; that he had left me, and I had to take care of myself and cut him out.
Oh, the bullshit advice.
That is what has changed. The above mentioned person who is selfish and self-centered is not me. It never has been. I was trying to be someone I am not in the hope that it would help me move on from this. But all it has done is make me pathetic and bitter and angry and hopeless... Not to mention incredibly stupid. How did I ever think I could turn my head away from the man I loved so much, that even despite my commitment phobia, I wanted to marry? All I have been thinking about is that.
"He left me."
"He is confused about me. I deserve better."
"Its over, forget about it."
"Don't beat yourself up over someone who wouldn't even fight for you."
"ITS ALL HIS FAULT."
And in this dirty thought process I conveniently forgot all about the basis of my major: empathy. I forgot to ask myself, "what must he be going through? Why is he doing this?"
But now I know. I know and I respect it more than anything. You professing your love for me was the most beautiful thing I have ever read, and telling me about your confusion, the most painful.
Wishful thinking: Lets rewind, go back to when we broke up, and I will be different, less blind. I will care, caress and understand.
How could I have asked you to go against your mother, father, relatives, cousins, everyone who has known you in a certain way for 24 years? Our parents raise us with so many hopes and expectations of what our life will be like. And while some prefer to let us take our destiny into our own hands, others like to be in control of our destiny, to make sure that we don't screw up, and ensure that we will be happy, one way or another. I asked you to go against all of that. I asked for too much.
But that's the problem. It will always be too much I'm asking for. And it will always be too much you're asking from me. I never see a day coming where talking to your parents will be easy. Or where me making sacrifices will be do-able. Unfortunately the world where we live doesn't change. It stays the same, year after year, decade after decade. For me, I was most upset that you didn't believe in us enough to fight for us. But when I see what is at stake for you, I feel guilty for ever even asking you to give it up.
So, I can't blame me. I can't blame him. I cant blame anyone's family. Where does that leave me? After any kind of pain, an individual needs someone to criticize, to yell at, to let their frustration out. Who do I criticize? Who do I yell at? When I think of yelling at God, I think, but He has a plan for me... This must be part of it.
That leaves me just hurting and brooding like a sob story, yet again. Having no one to turn to and blame. But... Maybe that is what this experience is meant to teach me? That we won't always have people to blame in life. Sometimes, we have to just accept things as they are, and believe, with equanimity, that it will pass.
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