So there's a difference now, from before. Im certain of it. The wanting, the need to see him and talk to him is going. Its still there, but I guess it will always be, a little bit.
The last time we met it was after a gap of two months. Two months of not seeing his beautiful face was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. But then we met, and it was so normal. While we got back into relationship mode for a while, the entire time it was different in my head. Every time I looked at him I didn't feel any pain or sorrow that he wasn't going to be mine forever. When we were were together I didn't fear that it would come to an end and I would be shattered. I guess that's what moving on is, right?
He's been with someone else already. When I heard, I decided to adopt the Buddhist philosophy and observe what I felt instead of actually feeling it. I decided I had a choice: I could get really upset and angry that something like this has happened, feel really betrayed and disillusioned...and eventually have to be okay with it, because it was done already. OR I could accept that he isn't mine anymore and that he didn't belong to me! I chose the second, and surprisingly found that life was much better like that. I didn't feel any heaviness at the back of my mind relating to something that usually would have broken me. I was happy and proud of myself.
Although the day after the meeting was terrible and whiney and just a nightmare in general, I found that getting back to being "okay" was easier this time round. I was okay in 2 days, and somewhere in between the week I actually woke up not craving him, or to be with him or talk to him at all. I thought "Yay! Its over!"... Well, it wasn't, but that was a huge step forward!
I guess the missing will always remain due to the fondness. There were so many things about him that I was in love with that I chose to ignore the things that weren't compatible. I find that reminding myself of the times when I was with him and questioned our compatibility reminds me that I'm putting the relationship on a pedestal because I dont have it anymore. But I cannot deny that it was beautiful. The state of being in love is by far the most intoxicating drug in the world. It takes over your life and fills it with pure happiness, so much so that you don't even realize that your life isn't what it used to be anymore. Sometimes this is for better and sometimes for worse. For us, while I'm tempted to say it was both, it was actually only for worse. Our lives revolved around one another, and even when we met recently, it was a stark reminder of how we were perfectly comfortable telling everyone and everything in our lives to go to hell, and just live off of each other. It was toxic, but in the best way. Its like a drug. You love it, you know its bad for you but you dont really want to accept it. And while you're doing it, its bliss. Thats how we are. How we were.
Maturity is realizing when its time to move to a new thing, or let go of something in the past.
I will always miss the intoxicating feeling that I felt while I was in love. But I will also remember that it was a phase, and now... its time to move on.
The last time we met it was after a gap of two months. Two months of not seeing his beautiful face was one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. But then we met, and it was so normal. While we got back into relationship mode for a while, the entire time it was different in my head. Every time I looked at him I didn't feel any pain or sorrow that he wasn't going to be mine forever. When we were were together I didn't fear that it would come to an end and I would be shattered. I guess that's what moving on is, right?
He's been with someone else already. When I heard, I decided to adopt the Buddhist philosophy and observe what I felt instead of actually feeling it. I decided I had a choice: I could get really upset and angry that something like this has happened, feel really betrayed and disillusioned...and eventually have to be okay with it, because it was done already. OR I could accept that he isn't mine anymore and that he didn't belong to me! I chose the second, and surprisingly found that life was much better like that. I didn't feel any heaviness at the back of my mind relating to something that usually would have broken me. I was happy and proud of myself.
Although the day after the meeting was terrible and whiney and just a nightmare in general, I found that getting back to being "okay" was easier this time round. I was okay in 2 days, and somewhere in between the week I actually woke up not craving him, or to be with him or talk to him at all. I thought "Yay! Its over!"... Well, it wasn't, but that was a huge step forward!
I guess the missing will always remain due to the fondness. There were so many things about him that I was in love with that I chose to ignore the things that weren't compatible. I find that reminding myself of the times when I was with him and questioned our compatibility reminds me that I'm putting the relationship on a pedestal because I dont have it anymore. But I cannot deny that it was beautiful. The state of being in love is by far the most intoxicating drug in the world. It takes over your life and fills it with pure happiness, so much so that you don't even realize that your life isn't what it used to be anymore. Sometimes this is for better and sometimes for worse. For us, while I'm tempted to say it was both, it was actually only for worse. Our lives revolved around one another, and even when we met recently, it was a stark reminder of how we were perfectly comfortable telling everyone and everything in our lives to go to hell, and just live off of each other. It was toxic, but in the best way. Its like a drug. You love it, you know its bad for you but you dont really want to accept it. And while you're doing it, its bliss. Thats how we are. How we were.
Maturity is realizing when its time to move to a new thing, or let go of something in the past.
I will always miss the intoxicating feeling that I felt while I was in love. But I will also remember that it was a phase, and now... its time to move on.
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