I just messaged him. Oh why why why did I do that? Its so STUPID. I am the one who decided that we would not speak for 2 months. I was the one who chose this. He broke up, I decided I needed time to get over him. THEN WHY DID I JUST INBOX HIM?
How can there be a rationale for these things? I keep crying in the bathroom at work, wondering what the hell I'm crying about! We've decided to be friends 2 months later. Maybe that's just it. Friends. How do 2 passionate lovers let go of their feelings and have a platonic friendship? Maybe that is what is killing me inside. That I can't hold his hand, hug him, kiss him and love him whenever I feel like. We'll have boundaries. Its like the marriage issue. Going from a free, open-minded household to a closed-minded one is just too hard. The same way, going from having no limits in the relationship for loving and being loved, to having boundaries defining what we can and cannot say around each other. HOW CAN THAT NOT MAKE ME CRY?!
Im such a whiner. I hate it. I hate being so vulnerable, so sensitive. One wrong thing anyone says to me today and it could be the start of a flood originating from my eyes. I want to go home and bawl my eyes out. I want to weep loudly and scream and yell and let a little of the pain out. I feel like my heart has been hit with a hammer, and it has been dented and bruised and broken.
They say time is the best healer. What about the pain BEFORE time swoops in and makes everything hunky-dory again? What about me till then? Im supposed to sit and wait for time to make my heart stop acutely aching and my tears unlimitedly flowing? I cannot rationalize this. I cannot find the correct means to rationalize this.
I can tell myself how Im better off without him, that I was restricted in many ways. But then again, I cannot. Saying anything about how Im better off without him seems like insulting him, insulting our relationship. How can anyone be better off without love like that? Love that is all-consuming and immersing. I want to be in love like that forever. I want to love him forever. I want to be loved by him forever.
"Love is not enough." This is what he said. Why is it that if he says it then I will mull over it, but if I have thought it then I will keep doubting it? I guess thats what he's doing too. He made the decision and he rethinks it, over and over again. How can you make a decision like that and live with it without any doubt? Its not possible.
So then I guess, I will doubt, I will cry, I will be angry, I will be sad, I will question, wonder and criticize. And eventually, in about a year, I will accept. I will see clearly. I will know. Why it happened, the reasons and the consequences. I hope I never regret accepting his decision instead of fighting. But how can a relationship work like that? When one person says yes and the other says no? It cannot. Thats why I let go. I gave him what he wanted.
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. If they dont, they never were." He may think of me as the bird he is setting free. But I am setting him free too. We are both letting go of each other to see where life will take us sans each other. And if life doesn't bring us back together (IF JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT IS SO HARD, how will I live the reality?).... It doesn't mean he wasn't mine and I wasn't his. It just means that the world didn't allow us to be each other's forever.
I want you to know, my love, that if I don't come back, do not mistake it with thinking that I was never yours. I was, and there will always be a part of me, even after years, that will always belong to you, and that will always love you.
How can there be a rationale for these things? I keep crying in the bathroom at work, wondering what the hell I'm crying about! We've decided to be friends 2 months later. Maybe that's just it. Friends. How do 2 passionate lovers let go of their feelings and have a platonic friendship? Maybe that is what is killing me inside. That I can't hold his hand, hug him, kiss him and love him whenever I feel like. We'll have boundaries. Its like the marriage issue. Going from a free, open-minded household to a closed-minded one is just too hard. The same way, going from having no limits in the relationship for loving and being loved, to having boundaries defining what we can and cannot say around each other. HOW CAN THAT NOT MAKE ME CRY?!
Im such a whiner. I hate it. I hate being so vulnerable, so sensitive. One wrong thing anyone says to me today and it could be the start of a flood originating from my eyes. I want to go home and bawl my eyes out. I want to weep loudly and scream and yell and let a little of the pain out. I feel like my heart has been hit with a hammer, and it has been dented and bruised and broken.
They say time is the best healer. What about the pain BEFORE time swoops in and makes everything hunky-dory again? What about me till then? Im supposed to sit and wait for time to make my heart stop acutely aching and my tears unlimitedly flowing? I cannot rationalize this. I cannot find the correct means to rationalize this.
I can tell myself how Im better off without him, that I was restricted in many ways. But then again, I cannot. Saying anything about how Im better off without him seems like insulting him, insulting our relationship. How can anyone be better off without love like that? Love that is all-consuming and immersing. I want to be in love like that forever. I want to love him forever. I want to be loved by him forever.
"Love is not enough." This is what he said. Why is it that if he says it then I will mull over it, but if I have thought it then I will keep doubting it? I guess thats what he's doing too. He made the decision and he rethinks it, over and over again. How can you make a decision like that and live with it without any doubt? Its not possible.
So then I guess, I will doubt, I will cry, I will be angry, I will be sad, I will question, wonder and criticize. And eventually, in about a year, I will accept. I will see clearly. I will know. Why it happened, the reasons and the consequences. I hope I never regret accepting his decision instead of fighting. But how can a relationship work like that? When one person says yes and the other says no? It cannot. Thats why I let go. I gave him what he wanted.
"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they are yours. If they dont, they never were." He may think of me as the bird he is setting free. But I am setting him free too. We are both letting go of each other to see where life will take us sans each other. And if life doesn't bring us back together (IF JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT IS SO HARD, how will I live the reality?).... It doesn't mean he wasn't mine and I wasn't his. It just means that the world didn't allow us to be each other's forever.
I want you to know, my love, that if I don't come back, do not mistake it with thinking that I was never yours. I was, and there will always be a part of me, even after years, that will always belong to you, and that will always love you.
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